"I Respect Your Opinion"

But you're wrong. Not to mention an ignorant douchebag. So shut up. Sure you have a right to your opinion. I mean, I guess. It's in the Constitution, right? I support the Constitution. I think the First Amendment is where I'm pretty sure you get the right to be a moronic babbling cunt – and that is very important.

Let's get back to my point: that thing you just said? It's hate speech. And if it isn't hate speech, it's fascist groupthink. And if it's not that, it's commie bleeding-heart propaganda. Why can't you think for yourself? Why can't you let me think for you? That was a joke. But seriously, can we at least agree on one thing? I'm smarter than you. You wouldn't know that of course.

Honestly, I don't know what's come over you. You're being very argumentative. Are you ok? Work still stressing you out? Things rocky at home? You know it's not my fault your wife was eyeball-fucking me at the Outback Steakhouse last weekend. I was just trying to enjoy my Bloomin' Onion, and there she is, totally ogling my ripped bod and dreaming about my junk all up in her guts. How embarrassing for you. You need a vacation. Unlike you, I try to see things from your point of view. And this is what I see: somebody who could stand to lose a few pounds.

Don't get defensive. I'm not attacking you. Compromise is the coin of this Republic. I just want to understand your point of view, so that I can then outflank it. But I can't if you're so insecure...that you...keep interrupting me. See? This is why I can't talk to you. You're rude. In fact, you're attacking me. Yes. Yes, you are. Maybe if you redirected the energy you put in to assaulting my character and the sanctity of my opinion, you wouldn't be in such debt. I'm not judging you. That's what YOU do – you lash out. I'm merely making a friendly observation: you're always broke, living beyond your means, and if you can't take responsibility for your messy little life, how can I take you seriously? Especially when you viciously come at me. See, I'm sensitive. I have a poet's heart, you cum-guzzling spazztard.

I cannot abide a bully. I won't be intimidated into agreeing with you. I refuse to intellectually castrate myself, which is your prerogative. Honestly, I talk to you sometimes and I wonder how it is you worked that pipe cleaner all the way up your nose and into your frontal lobe. Stubbornness is courage, you know, and at least I have the courage of my convictions.

Who did I vote for? It's a secret ballot for a reason, asshole. What are you? A friggin' Islamo-Soviet-ACLU stormtrooper? It doesn't matter who I voted for: I can still complain. And I'm complaining. This country is going to hell in a hand basket and you know why? Because people got too many freedoms, and the government has too much power and there's too much sex on television, and Jesus is for sale and because people like you are slinking around spreading seditious prattle, trying to thrust your larvae-spurting thorax prong into the eyeballs of decent people and laying slimy eggs in their heads that will hatch all Athena-like – only instead of a militant bull dyke bursting out of their skulls, it'll be partisan fanatics like you. What do I mean by "you people?" I mean Negro-Mick-Slant-Wetback-Wasps. Duh. You are such an obnoxious bigot sometimes. But what do you expect from a Jew?

Yeah. I said it. You got a problem? Mr. Frisky wants to rumble? You want a slice of this, because I got a whole pie of kick-ass baking in the oven. Cocksucker, I will fist hump your grill if you so much as step, so bring it on. I mean, it's already brung, but that's besides the point. So what are you going to do? Sic Semper Tyrannis, bitch. I will not be oppressed by you.

.......

Look, I'm sorry. We're old friends. Pals. Lots of history here. We shouldn't let...politics divide us, right? Let's focus on what we have in common: go football! Go money! Go pizza, pussy, and prescription tranquilizers!

We've been so stupid. What would our wives think? They'd be ashamed. You're right. Your opinion. I respect it. For a right-wing pinko raghead-hating baby-killing bible-thumping tap-dancing sodomite packing a TEC-9 under the seat of your hybrid SUV while playing a MP3 mash-up of Charlie Daniels and Elton John, you make a good point. Excellent point, in fact. And hell yeah, I support the troops too.