Chickens Traumatized by Mass Egg Abductions
Monkton, VT -- Animal Defense Militia poultry counselors were working overtime tonight at the "barn" of
chicken slavers Dawn and Carl Bodet, following the systematic mass abduction and slaughter of
several hundred still-incubating chicks earlier in the day. The deep psychological wounds inflicted on the
young hens were plain to seedozens molted openly, and a melancholy score of plaintive clucking
swelled to the feather-encrusted rafters.
Sources are attributing the atrocity to the handiwork of
human junior slavers Tammy and Gretchen Bodet (pictured), ages eight and five. Witnesses maintain that
after savagely snatching the egg-encased embryos from the tender nether regions of napping hens, the junior slavers
laughed and smiled as they delivered the still-warm offspring to nearby L&L Bakery, where all 237 innocent
lives are reported to have been beat into the putrid vanilla batter of a wedding cake of death.
Just minutes before the group slaying, A.D.M. storm troopers - having been tipped off to the unfolding massacre by a caring
sympathizer - took the slavers' compound by force, razing the human dwelling with dynamite and butchering
its occupants with pitchforks and napalm enemas. Sadly, they were too late. The little chickies' fates were already sealed.
While many of the 57 surviving mother hens are still in shock or denial, A.D.M. poultry counselors believe that the coming
days and weeks will see most forced to come to terms with the painful reality of their ordeal. It's something
that's almost inevitable in such cases, and A.D.M. mental health officials are scrambling to address it.
"The last thing we want is for any of these ladies to be withdrawing into themselves," explained Dr. Henry Coolerton,
Director of Rescue Operations for A.D.M. "There can be no healing without
communication. That's why we've got 12 of our very best people on the scene with us here. For those who are ready,
we have counselors who are actively communicating with these birds via body language, interpretive Tai-Chi, and
empathetic facial expressions."
Alexis Feeley, an Ornithological Psycho-homeopathist from Northeastern Veterinary Commune who counseled chickens
following the A.D.M.'s 1999 car bombing of Tyson Corporation's rooster abattoir, was optimistic about the hens'
emotional futures. "At this moment, we're putting the finishing touches on a series of chicken feed effigies of
the entire Bodet family of slavers. I'm confident that allowing these noble ladies to peck the fucking eyes out of these
convincing likenesses of their tormentors will prove an invaluable first step on the road to recovery!"
Later this week, A.D.M. counselors will guide the hens through a rigorous series of team-building workshops and
psycho-survival workshops, culminating in the group painting of an abstract guano canvas which will explore the
phenomenon of separation anxiety among parents of murdered chicks.
The aforementioned canvas will be auctioned at Mumford's General Store on the final Saturday of the month, with
proceeds going to support the expansion of the Chicken Defense Platoon into neighboring counties and the
acquisition of additional armaments and monogrammed kevlar unitards for use in future A.D.M. poultry-related