Senile Human Bitch Allows Cat's Anal Glands to Swell & Fester
Reported by A.D.M. Special Agent Charlene Diefenbach
I'm a covert ADM agent here in St. Petersburg, Florida, where I've been developing militant animal
defense strategies since late 1992. You may recognize me from my work as founder and organizer of the
annual St. Petersburg Crocodile Appreciation parade, which has enjoyed extensive coverage in both the
Tallahassee Tattler and the Leon County Star Dispatch, among others.
Last month, after hearing rumors about sick and injured creatures passing through the animal hospital of
Dr. Alan Schpream, I visited the practice, posing as an experienced veterinary assistant in search of
gainful employment. So convincing was my performance, I was hired on the spot as a senior kennel sanitation
When I arrived to work, I was shocked and appalled to discover that the beds in this hospital were in fact
STEEL PRISONS (without plumbing, no less). And so began a harrowing journey to the depths of animal
hell, where on my very first day, I discovered Eleanor, a fluffy gray kitty who had been admitted for
treatment of a fractured leg. I took an immediate liking to Eleanor, who bore a strong resemblance to
Rhea Perlman. During my lunch break, I brought her a generous serving of mock-swordfish tempeh cubes,
which I had hand-seasoned with my own delicate mixture of organic herbs and spices. As she ate, I signed
her cast and serenaded her with The Rum Tum Tugger, from Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's stage masterpiece Cats.
It was somewhere into the second verse when I noticed that Eleanor was avoiding sitting down squarely on
her backside. Angling myself into a position between the PRISON and the cesspool catch-tray below, I
eyeballed her pert anus carefully. As I suspected, she had anal gland problems. Not only were they
dramatically swollen, they were glistening suspiciously. What MONSTER had allowed this
situation to go unchecked so long? Checking Eleanor's chart, I noted the owner's name, Mrs. Ethyl
Robertson, and her address.
The next day, Eleanor was released from the hospital into the custody of her MONSTER owner, who I saw for
the first time and noted to be a pathetically old and dilapidated specimen of humanity. Outfitted with
prescription eyewear and a hearing aid, the human Robertson was clearly a genetically defective and senile bitch
unworthy of even washing Eleanor's cat toys, let alone enjoying her divine company.
That very same night, two ADM commandos and I donned masks and proceeded to the human Robertson's assisted living
condominium in eastern Tallahassee, which we entered forcefully with the help of a standard-issue
battering ram. Storming into the human's bedroom, we quickly bound and gagged her with duct tape
and a single JC Penny boy's tube sock, respectively. After proceeding to liberate Eleanor from the
dungeon that was Robertson's powder room, I rolled up my sleeves and got to work on her precious pooper.
Crouching to my knees, I pressed Eleanor gently but firmly against my side with my left arm, her
back side facing forward. Taking her upper left anal gland between my bare thumb and index finger
(NOTE: Never use gloves! The synthetics in latex gloves can cause a kitty's poo-hole to sting!),
I squeezed real hard until the juices squirted out onto my fingers. Now as we all know, the fluid
from a kitty's anal sacs should be dark to medium brown. Well not only was Eleanor's yellow,
there was a little string of blood in it too! And that means just one thing - INFECTION!
I turned around to face the gagged and wide-eyed Robertson, who was watching me from her position
at the foot of bed. I just couldn't help myself - I started screaming at her. "Hey bitch! What the
fuck is this?! What did Eleanor do to deserve this?!" And then I smeared the gland juices
on her disgusting wrinkled human snout. "Not too sweet, is it toots?," I said. "How'd you
like it if your slave master neglected you until your ass did this?" She mumbled something
from behind the duct tape, but I had already turned away to drain the other glands.
When I was done, I set Eleanor loose and gave Robertson a final warning. "Now you listen here,
human scum. I want you to give Eleanor antibiotic pills in her food every day, and I want
to to rub and carress her ass lovingly, like its your own little crotch trigger
or something. If you don't, we'll know - and we'll be back! Got it?!" When she nodded in the
affirmative, I cut her bonds and we stole away into the night.
At this point in time, the A.D.M. has reason to believe that the offending human is complying
with our demands for complete care and doting reverence for the feline Eleanor. We ask that any members
possessing information which suggests otherwise please contact the toll-free creature abuse hotline
immediately at 1-888-ANIMAXX.