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GRANDPA - THE OTHER WHITE MEAT

Do piggy wiggles dream of growing up to be bacon? Of course not! For centuries, pigs have been enslaved by an international breakfast meat conspiracy and it must stop. Writing letters and spraying warm blood on the children of meat processing executives do nothing for the porcine liberation cause. Until now: grant your porker brethren a reprieve and eat Grandpa instead.

That's right—the elderly are a terrible burden upon society, not to mention the young. These wrinkled sacks of inaction waste resources and clutter our world with their loud patterned pants and muscle oils. Easy to subdue with either a nine iron or a ball peen hammer. Though physically decrepit, the elderly possess a firm and gamy meat, perfect for chops and slicing. Another benefit of eating the Grandpa is that the bones and gristle left over can serve as protein-rich swill for adorable piggy wiggles.

Roast Widower, Pops Pot Pie, and the classic Grandpa Stroganoff are some of our favorite recipes for preparing old people. As is the case with most recipes, the freshest possible ingredients are preferred. For the most robust and flavorful fogey, hit the Bingo tables or stroll around the Mall. You can identify ripeness by pinching their baggy, diaper-stuffed pants.

For those whose parents and grand parents have departed and joined nature's Great Buffet, crippled and/or retarded children can be used as a recipe substitute.

    - J. Devore

GRANDPA STROGANOFF
Ingredients:
  • 1.5 lb. Grandpa Tenderloin Strips (cubed)
  • 2 Onions
  • 16 oz. Sour Soyonnaise
  • 1.5 Cup Tomato Puree
  • 1 Cup Canned Baby Mushrooms
  • 1 Cube Vegemex® Bouillon
  • 1 Cup Water
  • 2 Tbsp. Canola Oil
Directions:
  1. Brown grandpa cubes in iron skillet over medium heat in canola oil.
  2. Chop onions and mushrooms and put vegetables into browned grandpa mixture.
  3. Combine sour soyonnaise, tomato puree, Vegemex® and water. Pour into skillet and cook on medium-high heat for 15 minutes.
  4. Pour grandpa sauce over egg-free noodles and serve.

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