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ANIMAL DEFENSE MILITIA
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SAVE THE BUNNIES—TORTURE
THE HOMELESS!

Every year, pharmaceutical, medical, and beauty products companies subject thousands of little fuzzy bunny rabbits to cruel tests. This "research" is supposedly scientific, generating "data" about make-up, cancer, AIDS, heart disease, Alzheimer's, and herpes. Human diseases that mean nothing to bouncy bunny rabbits. These poor bunnies are routinely probed, skinned, battered, beaten, flayed, gouged, pricked, boiled, and dissected. I ask you, kind friend, if the world runs out of bunnies, who will suffer? The children. Our adorable, innocent children. Who will deliver them chocolate eggs and jelly beans? Well, t hat's not going to happen. Because we at AMD wish to offer an alternative form of testing, thus saving our cotton-tailed friends: torture the homeless.

Yes, these human vermin are ripe for harvest: they are easy to trap, preferring snack cakes and grape soda as bait. We at the A.D.M. have conducted various internal experiments concerning this solution, and acquired a number of dangerous vagrants. Code named "Operation: Nasty Parasites," this initiative was heavily documented and recorded. The homeless are often filthy, disgusting, and stupid, which means they are easy to subdue and fatten. Once shaved, tagged, and disoriented, they are ready for testing and prove just as responsive as bunnies. From oven cleaner poured into propped-over eyes, to flooding the subject's bowels with five gallons of hand moisturizing dish detergent, each homeless subject responded satisfactorily. We also show more mercy and compassion than the cruel corporate slaughterhouses that keep the bunnies in cages and serve them unwashed carrots. After each testing session, we provide each subject with an inflatable mattress and access to an all-you-can-eat salad bar, certainly more than they deserve.

Surely this alternative presents itself as a victory to both sides of this fence: animal rights operatives save bunnies and the Carnivorous-Industrial Complex gets save tax dollars and gain a fresh supply of meat to test the lipstick that greases their fat, corrupt lips. Members of government-supported PETA protest the companies, but their protesting is a ruse. These weak-willed pork lickers are not concerned with saving little critters; instead they crave the enslavement of all meat, increasing their soybean investments. PETA does not possess the will to take matters into their own hands

But AMD is there for Mister Floppy Ears, researching new ways to stem the world's insatiable appetite for animal research. Our data has been processed and the report is ready to be mailed to members of the USDA, FDA, AMADA, and the UN and we expect a swift response. But we need your help with this matter! Before we expose the establishment to our cause to end bunny rabbit suffering by performing medical research upon human trash, we need YOU to sign a petition. After we collect enough signatures,

We will reveal ourselves as the true champions of Mother Nature. With each signature, we will assign you an adorable adopted bunny rabbit, like Boggles or Captain Jingles, and we will update you as to how he/or she is doing. Please give us your support...

    - J. Devore

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