PETA-Pansy Feasts on Animal Crackers!
San Diego, CA -- A.D.M. operatives apprehended PETA-Pansy Gary Clemmingsworth outside Oceanside
Medical Center today, after the pathetic excuse for an animal rights activist was found to be in possession
of a box of Nabisco Murder Biscuits - better known to the flesh-savoring hordes as Barnum's Animal
Arriving at the scene on a seek and destroy mission targeted at the hospital's massive stores of animal
research-based cancer drugs, two dozen A.D.M. soldiers encountered the lone PETA protester
standing idle by the curbside. In typical PETA fashion, Clemmingsworth clung pathetically to a crude
posterboard placard scrawled with tired pleas for empathy from the carnivores.
A.D.M Commander Carlton Wright described the ensuing melee. "Upon encountering the suspect, I immediately
dispatched five soldiers to escort the PETA-Pansy off the premises, at which time he voiced his determined
intention to remain - citing passages from the human United States Constitution guaranteeing him the right
to peaceful assembly and free speech. It was at that time that my men observed the package of Murder Biscuits
protruding from the subject's hemp fanny pack. Confronted with the undeniable proof of his latent carnivorism,
Clemmingsworth was unrepentant, insisting 'it's just crackers!' It was at this point that I gave the green
light to have the subject gutted on the spot. Once his stomach and intestines where spilled across the asphalt, the animal
spirits contained within the masticated Murder Biscuits were successfully liberated and allowed to roam free
Later in the day, 20 PETA-Pansies gathered at the scene of the disemboweling for a candlelight memorial
were taken prisoner by A.D.M. soldiers, who had observed the subjects carpooling in a van equipped with
Reached for comment at A.D.M. headquarters in Branson, Missouri, Brigadier General Reese Van Pelt voiced
his wholehearted support for Commander Wright's decision. "Of course I approve of Carlton's actions! I
think it's about time we put our foot down and start taking out these sons of bitches who are supporting
the simulated carnivorism industry. Whether it's them Murder Biscuits, tofu hotdogs,
or those fuckers at PETA dishing
out burgers and turkeys made out of soybeans. If it imitates a dead critter - it might as well
BE ONE! I don't care if it's tofu, cookie, or reconstituted pubic hair patty, it constitutes murder!
If I'd been there in San Diego, I'd have torn that bastard's innerds out myself! I mean, what do you
expect? We're at war here!"