Nazi Human Child Invades Saint Bernard's Personal Space
Boulder, Colorado -- Seven-year-old human Tammy Fluch was horsewhipped to within an inch of her dog-desecrating
life today by Animal Defense Militia soldiers who witnessed the errant nazi-child invading the personal
space of a Saint Bernard bitch.
The unfolding atrocity was discovered by ADM Staff Sergeant Chuck Schmoke, who described the horror for
himself, "While conducting a routine patrol of the reedy area of Riverfront Park, my canine defense
platoon and I observed the young human female rhythmically agitating and defiling the protective coat
of Meggie, a stately Saint Bernard bitch. Further investigation also found the human to be inserting its
body into Meggie's personal space and comfort zone, wrapping its arms around the canine's neck in an
apparent attempt at suffocation."
Imprisoned in the cruel, steely grasp of the Nazi child, the noble bitch is believed to have endured
over four minutes of unimaginable torment as she forcibly submitted to a grotesque and perverted display
of unwanted and close-proximity affection from a foreign and detestable species. In addition to mussing
her hair, the assault left Meggie with an elevated body temperature and no less than 4 milliliters of
fruityberry popsicle juice residue on her back and chest.
Sgt. Schmoke explained the details of the daring rescue. "Storming the reedy area, I bellowed, 'Step
away from the bitch! NOW!' The human responded in frenzied and aggressive squeals of Nazi gibberish,
which I naturally interpreted to mean, 'One step closer and I strangle this fucker.' Opting to fall back
to a defensive position, my platoon and I circled to the Southeastern ridge, which offered a prime vantage
point from which to disable to the assailant with repeated volleys of rubber crowd control bullets. Within
minutes, a seek & destroy team had repelled down the embankment and placed the stunned Nazi assailant in
custody. After tethering the suspect to a mature Hemlock tree, my platoon and I proceeded to administer a
flogging of appropriate severity and duration - brutal and one hour, respectively."
Schmoke went on to describe the shaken victim. "Once freed, the Saint Bernard exhibited faint symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome, including labored
breathing and chronic drooling. In an effort to comfort the animal, I directed Private First Class Bernie Kleinfelter
to mangle and amputate his left forearm, which was promptly served to Meggie on a bed of fresh
ferns. Continued observation confirmed consumption of said meaty matter and the ensuing burial of the accompanying
arm and finger bones. A visibly calmed and rejuvenated Meggie was lost spotted travelling on foot, due
northeast, past Rocky Ridge Mobile Home Estates."
After branding the human child's face with the A.D.M.'s distinctive dog paw insignia, Sgt. Schmoke is reported
to have admonished her sternly and set her on her dirty, dirty Nazi way.