DRINKING GAMES!

Hola, brojito! Todd "Thunder" Riley here with a few seriously loco drinking games just in time for Cinco de Mayo, which is Mexicanese for "Tequila Bong Day." So if you're a two-beer queer, run for el exito. The rest of you, tap a keg. Lets get fuckin' alcoholic on this shit!


"Coma Booty" – The Drinking Game!
Happens all the time — you spend the whole party throwing mad game at a schweet little hottie, get her up to the room, but by then she's so blitzed she can't even say, "I'm eighteen" into the video camera. These are the moments that separate the men from the pussies. So stay in there and keep pounding away, dude — brews and otherwise.
Sip: "No."
Chug: "Stop."
Shot: (weeping)
Kegstand: "Unh...who?...I...[barf]"

MAXIM Magazine – The Drinking Game!
Storytime, compadres. Once I made up these business cards at a mall kiosk that said "Todd Riley, Editor-in-Chief-of-Tasty-Poontang, Maxim Magazine." Not only did they get me into this sweet club in Hoboken, but two girls let me take cell phone pix of them dyking it out! That's all just to say that Maxim is the shit, and should be honored with a wicked sweet drinking game every time it's cracked open.
Sip: References to "testicle pudding" or "man-chowder"
Chug: Hottie who says her #1 turn-on is "sense of humor"
Shot: Any awesome joke about stoopit bitches!
Kegstand: Getting a totally accidental boner from one of the guy models in the ads cuz he looks like a chick.

"Community Service" – The Drinking Game!
Some people like to knock frats. But those people are fags. Not only do we do community service and help dudes make connections, but we preserve a natural hierarchy. Our great-grandparents worked hard to make poor people do their work, and we shouldn't have to give that up. This drinking game celebrates our continued ruling of all people lame.
Sip: Make walrus noises at fat chicks after you bone them!
Chug: Pelt begging homeless dudes with dead batteries!
Shot: Push a flaming couch off the roof of your house onto some loser's parked shitmobile!
Kegstand: Score a primo summer job from your bro's dad!

"Drinking Game" – The Drinking Game!
Just like my lacrosse coach says, "You gotta go 110 if you really wanna be a winner in life." Same thing goes for drinking games. Bust out this little bit of genius, and you'll be slumped over in a pile of your own ralphage before all those other dweebs have even started catching a buzz!
Sip: Your buds ain't drinking
Chug: Anytime someone belches or high-fives
Shot: Whenever a lightweight pukes
Kegstand: Colt 45 colonic. BOO-YA!