AUTUMN 2000   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 December 17, 2000 Name: "Rachel" Sign: Aries Trouble: I hooked up with my best friend's ex-boyfriend right after he told her he didn't like her anymore. I knew how much she still loved him but I did it anyway. He was really good in bed and he asked me to sleep with him again, I just don't want her to find out. I mean, I liked him first anyway. So what should I do, Lori? My Advice: Uh-oh! Sounds like someone's getting tangled up in a pretty messy situation! What to do? Well, since secrets like this one never keep (the jilted one always finds out), I recommend getting it off your chest. Go to your friend and be all, "Boy-boy and I did it, and now he likes me, and now we're going out, and now he borrows my car, and now we might even get married, and now I have his genital warts!" December 10, 2000 Name: "Kathleen" Sign: Libra Trouble: Hi Lori! I went out with this guy on a date and had an awesome time! No smackylips, but we clicked and he seemed to be interested in me. But after the date, he never calls on the phone or writes me email notes anymore. I really like this guy and I don't want to scare him off. What happened and how should I interpret this? My Advice: Well Kathleen, if there's one way not to interpret this, it's that you scared him off. Truth is, young males actually enjoy a little fear, provided it also tickles their horny bone. I'm guessing that boy-boy just took you for an ultra-prude, and opted to move on to moister pastures. So next time, make it a point to work in some smackylips. In fact, if you really like him, I would suggest a little greasygroin, or even a bit of slippyhole! December 3, 2000 Name: "Tony" Sign: Aries Trouble: My girlfriend's a Gemini. I love her very much, but she tends to really enjoy a heated debate, and once she's got me all hot headed, she starts talking me into a whirlwind of circles. She's also super possessive! Also sometimes I think she is pursuing other avenues behind my back. Are the signs obvious, or is it possible that I'll never know! My Advice: Hi Tony! It sounds like you're beginning to discover one of the great universal truths: intimate relationships between Geminis and Aries can get pretty kooky. It's true - Geminis can be all contrarian and stuff, and you Aries have a knack for getting ornery. Fact is, a quick check of any police blotter will confirm that you're already 64% more likely to suffer fatal domestic violence at the hands of your Gemini adulteress. Imagine that! November 27, 2000 Name: "Damien" Sign: Aries Trouble: I have been messing around with this girl for a long time now. We have the best sex, compared to any of the girls that I have been messing around with before. The only problem is that I think she has been telling her friends about how good the sex is, and now all of them are starting to like...really hit on me. What should I do, Lori? My Advice: Well Damien, girls will be girls, and it sounds to me like yours is most certainly one humdinger of a Chatty Cathy. Of course, her lapses in secrecy raise a number of serious questions which you had better ponder long & hard. You know, tough questions like "Can I trust this woman?" "Does she really respect me as a person?" - and most importantly - "Is she grooming me to join in on a super hot-and-heavy lezbo foursome?" November 20, 2000 Name: "Lulu" Sign: Cancer Trouble: I'm embarrassed about the boy I date. I'm six foot tall, and he's maybe five feet five. Which, I might add, makes him the perfect height for kissing my neck. I adore him, but I feel so silly when we go out in public, that I fear for our future. I mean, I don't want to end up like some freak who keeps her boyfriend chained up in an underground lair of love away from public eyes! Or do I? My Advice: LuLu - you have every reason to feel uneasy about this boy-boy. Once, when Lori was but a young lass, she was traveling unattended through darkest and forboding central Jersey, when who should intercept her coach but none other than the fabled amorous tollbooth dwarf of Exit 17. Despite Lori's vocal protestations, not only did he proceed to hungrily finger her coins, but also to scrawl his dirty (and unwanted) rotary phone number on her Turnpike receipt! November 13, 2000 Name: "Athanassius"    Sign: Leo Trouble: I'm in this punk band with three other guys and we rehearse every week twice, maybe three times a week. I really fancy the guitar player, he's so cute. Well, he's a guy and I'm a guy. Is there an issue here? Should I hit on him? I've been with guys in the past, but he's so much younger than me. He's 16 and I'm 27. I've lead him to believe I'm straight too, so I'm afraid of complicating things. What must I do? Oh, what must I doooo? My Advice: Hmmmm. That is a pretty complicated situation, Athan. I think that before you proceed, you'd better ask yourself if you and boy-boy are really compatible - I mean, you're all like Sex Pistols and The Clash, and he's all Rancid and Green Day and stuff. If you think that's no biggie, then totally go for it! Let all your aging pedophilic tendencies bubble to the surface. Then later, when you're in prison for statuatory rape and sodomy, he can send you totally awesome mixed tapes! November 6, 2000 Name: "Rupert" Sign: Aries Trouble: Every time I ejaculate, my eyes involuntarily water up (and pot makes it worse!!!). That wouldn't be such a big deal, except the woman in my life thinks I'm holding back tears/not open with my emotions/something's wrong/that sort of thing. She can't seriously believe it's just a physical quirk. What should I do? My Advice: Well Rupert, I'm really just into astrology and meditation, so I don't know much about that stuff. That said, my hunch is you're experiencing an anomalous physiological reaction triggered by the combination of tetrahydrocannibinol (THC) and the endorphins released by your body during orgasm, likely catalyzed by emerging repressed memories of promiscuous bestiality during adolescence. October 30, 2000 Name: "Ann"    Sign: Capricorn Trouble: I'm 19 years old and I'm following a class on civil engineering. There aren't a lot of boys, but the professor is very cute. One day, I went down his appartment (I had a question about a lesson). Eventually, we spent the whole evening together. He said he loves me but when I try to get together, he refuses. My heart is broken. I think I'm pregnant, can I tell him this? I still have to do an exam. Help me please... My Advice: Well if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times — those civil engineering professors are creatures of pure and unbridled lust! It's an old story, Ann; one minute you're having a perfectly innocent discussion about aqueduct design and highway tunnel structural integrity, and the next minute you're sprawled across his drafting table, moaning in ecstasy as he fathers your illegitimate child. What to do? Hang in there, Ann! Keep a stiff upper lip, take the exam, then vandalize his SUV. October 23, 2000 Name: "Leroy" Sign: Virgo Trouble: I have had this girlfriend for about a year now and prior to me she has never had a real boyfriend and then I found she had sex with three people in about six months and these were the only times she had sex with before me. And now it kind of bothers me because she just slept with three people with no commitment involved. I love her to death but I can't get over this. My Advice: Aww! Don't get upset, Leroy! Remember, it's perfectly normal for young people (boys and girls) to jump into the world of sex whole-heartedly — and maybe even overdo it a little bit at first. So you see, despite girl-girl's vaguely sluttish history, I'm sure she loves you very much, and that everything will seem much better once you clear the air. That's right, you need to be all, "I forgive you, whorebag." Then she'll be all, "No sweat, dork-cherry!" October 16, 2000 Name: "Matt" Sign: Libra Trouble: I still have very strong feelings for my ex-girlfriend, who said she dumped me because she is "sarcastic" while I'm more "sentimental." I don't think this is totally true...of course I was pretty sappy when falling in love with her. But I can be kind of sarcastic with my close friends. How do I break this barrier with my ex? Why can't I relax and be sarcastic with her instead of being so nervous and serious? My Advice: Matt, there's nothing wrong with being sentimental. Sentimental people are at peace with themselves and the world around them. They love openly, and are wonderful communicators — unlike sarcastic people. So you see, despite what your ex would have you believe, sarcasm is nothing to aspire to. Of course, she might have just said that because you're one of those turbo-weird, clingy, pseudo-stalkers who starts talking about having kids after the third drunken hook-up. Either way, don't worry about it, Matt! October 9, 2000 Name: "Steve" Sign: Scorpio Trouble: I'm about to turn 20 and i don't have a single idea what i want to do with the rest of my life. I don't have any realistic ambitions. I would like to move out now but i don't make enough money to support myself. I don't have a major at college. Please help me Lori. I don't want to become a loser, living at home when i'm 30. My Advice: I know this is a tough time for you, Steve. Remember though, nothing changes overnight — life is a series of small but important choices that eventually lead to happiness and success. So what's the first step? Flip open that college course catalog to a random page and choose whatever major comes up! Then work like crazy, like a big tireless doggy-wog, for years and years and years on end, and then before you know it... you'll be dead! October 2, 2000 Name: "Karen"    Sign: Taurus Trouble: I'm 19 and haven't had a boyfriend in a LONG time. I'm in college, so you'd think I'd have to fight guys off with a stick! I feel even worse because my roommate is always making out (loudly) in my room. They make no effort to go elsewhere, even though I make it clear that I don't appreciate their activities. Is there any hope for me finding someone? Or are you just going to tell me to wait for my prince to come, like everyone else does? My Advice: OHMIGOD! Your roommate is like such a totally rude whore! You're like just trying to hang out and watch TV and eat some microwave popcorn and stuff, and she's all grunting and smearing her gooey cold sore all over some stupid fratboy's caterpillar mustache. And then I bet he's all, "What's with the retard, anyway?" And she goes, "Virgin dyke." And then they both laugh and totally go back at it. It's like if it was the Golden Girls, you'd be Rose and she'd be Blanche, and Dorothy and Sophia would be all invisible. September 25, 2000 Name: "Jason"    Sign: Cancer Trouble: I live in Provo, Utah and I hate it here. People call it happy valley, but I don't see anything worth being happy about. Brigham Young University is run by communists, they don't sell alcohol anywhere, there are no clubs, and the only thing even worth trying to do is hooking up for some NCMO (Non-Commital Make Out) I feel like I shoud go disgruntled postal worker on them, but I don't know... What should I do? My Advice: Dear Jason. Believe it or not, no matter where you live, there are people and things that start to get old after awhile. It's only natural. What concerns me is the very serious risk you're taking by violating the chastity rules of the Brigham Young Honor Code. If you must engage in petting, please be safe and direct it towards appropriate subjects. In the meantime, may I suggest that you work to alleviate your boredom by surfing the best damned web site ever to come out of Utah. AUTUMN 2000   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!