AUTUMN 1998   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 December 20, 1998 Name: "Chelley"   Sign: Aries Trouble: There is this guy that I was with for three years. Recently, I got smashed out of my mind at his dorm room. About a week later, I ran into him and he told me that he never wanted to talk to me again. I have no memory of this night. What should I do? My Advice: Sounds like you managed to upset this former Romeo at some point during your alcoholic blackout. I'll willing to bet that he's just peeved about those stains you left on his bed. Remember, from when you vomited that gallon of peppermint schnapps and human ejaculate? He'll forgive you. Just pay for the drycleaning. December 13, 1998 Name: "Ben"   Sign: Virgo Trouble: I'm a freshman in high school and there's this girl I really like. We've talked quite a bit. Lately we've been having longer converstations as we walk from the World Civ room to the other side of school. She's friendly to me and even starts some conversations. How do I tell if she likes me and will go out with me? Are there any signs to look for? My Advice: Indeed Ben, there is one tell-tale sign. Unfortunately, the many puritanical constructs of our culture make it far less visible here than in some of the exotic lands you may have discussed in World Civ. Take heart though, you can still find out. During your next perambulatory discussion, simply inquire, "Are your loins as ferociously moist as mine are?" If she responds in the affirmative, you're golden! December 6, 1998 Name: "Zack" Sign: Capricorn Trouble: There's this girl at work who won't leave me alone. She's very jealous and possessive of me. I think she's in love with me but hasn't articulated it so I can't tell her she's wasting her time. I even thought of resigning but I like my job too much. What should I do? And don't make me tell her I'm gay because I already tried that. My Advice: Turning the tables on an unrelenting and possessive suitor is a common means of repelling unwanted affection. Luckily for you, the office Christmas Party season is coming in to full swing - which means just one thing: when it's your turn at the karaoke microphone, serenade your would-be paramour with a stirring rendition of Nine Inch Nails' Fuck You Like an Animal. December 1, 1998 Name: "Tina"   Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: I'm a loser magnet. I can't find a decent guy. I'm not into macho guys and I don't like religious fanatics like my ex, who told me after 9 years and 2 kids that he only married me because he "felt obligated once we did it." I'm scared that I'll end up in another dead-end relationship. How I can get over that fear? My Advice: Going back to school can be a wonderful way to meet new people - and to gain the kind of confidence in yourself that will put those fears to rest. Sign up for a class at your local night school. For you, I recommend Language Arts 114 - Conversational Spanish for Paroled Meathead Jesus-Freaks. Trust me - it's knee-deep in good lovin'! November 23, 1998 Name: "Matthew"   Sign: Pisces Trouble: I've been in a happy relationship for the past 2 years. Everything is going well, we talk, we have plenty of sex, we get on better than ever.... My problem is that I can't stop talking about it! My workmates, my friends, strangers in the street.... the fact is no one likes to know how much better we are than them. How do I stop? My Advice: Statistically speaking, your big sugary love balloon will probably burst on its own within two to four years, curing you of this affliction. If it's a quick fix you seek though, I recommend hustling on down to the local biker bar, where a few minutes of your engaging prattle will quickly earn you a mouthful of bloody Chicklets! November 15, 1998 Name: "Chris" Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: Hi Lori, I had a childhood illness that left me somewhat frail. Now I feel insecure about meeting women that others feel are right for me. Should I inform the women I meet about this in advance so they do not expect too much from me? My Advice: Since you're uncomfortable telling even me, I'll assume we're talking about reproductive frailty - which can be very difficult to overcome. Instead, I recommend retreating into the cold isolation of Internet chat, where your malfunctioning apendage will be as invisible as the cystic acne of your teen-aged interlocutors. November 8, 1998 Name: "Mike" Sign: Capricorn Trouble: I like wearing women's clothes - panties in particular. Problem is, my wife of three years has no idea. Although her underwear's always getting stretched out of shape, she blames this wierd phenomenon on the laundry. How do I break the truth to her? My Advice: While honesty is always the best policy, it's good to remember that marriages have been known to crumble over far lesser indiscretions. Tell her, but in a way that will make her feel sympathy, not anger. Explain that you wear her underwear - but only while physically expressing your love for any pets you may have. November 1, 1998 Name: "J.D." Sign: Scorpio Trouble: My parents are way too strict. They buy us all kinds of Nintendo stuff but they never let us play any of them. They say we have to have our homework done first. My Advice: You're going to have to put forth a mature argument to convince your parents to see your side of this. Tell them you want to discuss it like adults, then explain how Super Mario is pretty much all that's standing between you and a dimebag-a-day heroin habit. October 26, 1998 Name: "Scott" Sign: Aries Trouble: My wife's hygiene is terrible! She always leaves her "toxic waste" undies lying sunny-side up in the bedroom and bathroom. I tell her it bothers me, yet nothing changes. It's driving me to think seriously about divorce - but I don't want a divorce! What should I do? My Advice: Scott - yours is a common complaint among the newly married. Take heart though! Your wife doesn't really have poor hygiene - she's just doing her half of an ancient fertility ritual! Your half is just as easy. Simply marinate the panties in a bowl of your own urine for 1 hour. Add blackberry brandy and fresh mint. Stir. Serve in chilled tumblers over ice. October 19, 1998 Name: "Kristy" Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: Lately I find that I'm feeling less and less desire to go out with my friends. I am at college but I'm never in the mood to party. I'd rather just relax and hang out in my room. Is this wrong? My Advice: No, it's not wrong. In fact, it's perfectly healthy to want to be alone sometimes. Besides, you're probably subconsciously realizing that most of your friends are avoiding you anyway. You have chronic halitosis, and they'd prefer it if you stayed downwind. October 13, 1998 Name: "John" Sign: Scorpio Trouble: Would it be too cruel and heartless to dump someone just because you are for the moment bored of the relationship and have come to the realization that you are just using the person for sex and laundry facilities? My Advice: Cruel and heartless? Hell, no! It would merely be stupid. I mean, you've got the sex, you've got the laundry. Just eliminate the boredom and you'll be in relationship Nirvana! How, you ask? Simply take up a new hobby you can both enjoy, like home nipple electrolysis - or heavy Tequila drinking. October 7, 1998 Name: "Christian"    Sign: Pisces Trouble: i like this girl. nothing new. we went out before and i dumped her only because i knew she didn't like me anymore, and the flame still lives...she sends me signals but i think she sends everyone signals, is she using me to make other people jealous or am i the man she wants? My Advice: Oh, you're the man she she wants all right! How could it be otherwise? And all that signal flashing? It's purely for your benefit. She wants you to notice it - then do something to that just sets her heart on fire! Do something hopelessly romantic, like sending her a sweet videotape of yourself masturbating! October 1, 1998 Name: "Jennifer"    Sign: Libra Trouble: I got myself unemployed two weeks ago - and I like it. I like doing random jobs for whomever calls and being a lady of leisure - but I usually have a year's (or more) agenda mapped out!!! Maybe if I make up some groovy business cards ie: JEN'S ODD JOBS - it might reduce the structural angst I'm experiencing!! My Advice: Sounds to me like a revised agenda should be your top priority. Transitional periods can be a breeze if you make a short list of your most important goals. I took the liberty of authoring yours: 1) Gain 30 pounds by Christmas 2) Start welfare on New Years 3) Conceive Triplets with Abusive Alcoholic by Valentines Day AUTUMN 1998   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!