AUTUMN 1999   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 December 20, 1999 Name: "Jessica" Sign: Aries Trouble: My friend thinks she is the prettiest woman to ever set foot on this earth, and believe me Lori she's not. All she ever does is look in the mirror and say how good she looks all the time. Personally I think she is a pretty good person but almost everyone else thinks she's a self centered slut. How can i tell her what people say?? My Advice: If you're really her friend, you'll start by giving her a good dose of reality. Start by filling her with drinks. Next, peer-pressure her to compete in a titty bar Amateur Night, where she'll jiggle her sagging, drunken stuff. After she's booed off stage, whisk her to the parking lot - where a pre-assembled group of her mortal enemies will already be chanting "Self-centered slut! Self-centered slut!" December 13, 1999 Name: "Jane" Sign: Aries Trouble: What is the best toy this year for a 3 year old Girl.... LOL In the past it was easy as she didnt know anything BUT now she is asking for things that she cant have LOL. HELP!!!!!!! I wanted to get her some Playschool Set ups (ie A Kitchen, or playground) but I was told it was too much etc.. LOL Personally I want to get those things anyways LOL My Advice: LOL That is so funny LOL. REALLY!!!! Like, yeah - get her the play kitchen. Whoever told you not to must want her to become a bull-dyke or something. LOL And then when you have it, you can play with it together LOL and then later, you can pretend to be babies LOL and wear diapers together and go number 1 in the diapers LOL and then social services will deem you unfit and take her away LOL December 6, 1999 Name: "Kim" Sign: Virgo Trouble: My boyfriend is a farmer and I really kind of love him sooo much, but he has asked to marry me and I think that farms suck. He won't shut up about how great the county is. How should I tell him I need to live in a luxury condo in a cool place like San Francisco near a great mall.      - Confused in Des Moines My Advice: Kim, your beloved is sure to understand your feelings. Just be honest. Be like, "Listen up, hayseed. Come hell or high water, this little heifer's gonna be doing her lactating on the docks at Fisherman's Wharf. So if you wanna keep milking, you'd better pull that corncob out of your ass and strap on the Rice-a-Roni feedbag - cuz tractors ain't allowed on the Golden Gate, cracker!" November 29, 1999 Name: "Kathryn"    Sign: Scorpio Trouble: So, this boy at school has worn the same jeans for three days!! He stinks and you can smell him from all the way across the room! Today I confronted him and told him he stinks and needs to change his clothes. He called me a "fuckin wigger" and I went off. What do you think I should do? Pour chocalate syrup on him to FORCE him to take a shower?? He might just wipe a little off his face and go on with his dirty life. I don't know what to do! I can't stand the stench anymore!!!! My Advice: OHMIGOD! That is so nasty! I can't even believe they make you sit in the same building with him. And the worst part is that when you smell something, you're really breathing in zillions of little pieces of whatever that thing is - so like, now you have zillions of teeny-tiny pieces of Mr. Green Jeans' nasty crotch and armpits like all wedged up inside your head and stuff! I mean, you might as well be making out with him! What's your deal, anyway? You must like smelling him or something! Take a nose-douche already! November 21, 1999 Name: "Julie"    Sign: Scorpio Trouble: I have a very big problem. I'm 22 and ever since I was about 13 I've had a very hairy body — hairy butt, hairy stomach, hairy nipples. I am very embarassed about the problem. I shave and use hair removal creams but I still feel so abnormal and I've been very insecure about it ever since I was little. Please help!! My Advice: Don't be embarassed, Julie. Be proud! You see, the only problem you've got is not having found that special someone yet who appreciates you for who you are on the inside AND the outside. So hop to it, girlfriend! Get out there and find that big hairy galoot, and together you can Viva la difference!, as you spend night after night picking insect parasites from each other's gorilla-like torsos. November 14, 1999 Name: "Bob"    Sign: Leo Trouble: My co-worker has a smart-ass sarcastic mouth. We work side-by-side on a production line for eight hours a day. Everything that comes out of his mouth is about me having gay sex or sick remarks about my family or something else sarcastic. I try to ignore him, but he gets under my skin. I feel my next option is to beat the living fuck out of him. What do you think I should do? My Advice: People always say that success is the best revenge. What the hell do people know?! I say take this bastard down, but not by beating him. That's so... crude. Remember, Bob - when it comes to trauma, psychological tops physical any day of the week. Simply treat your obnoxious co-worker to an irony-induced nervous breakdown, and your troubles will be over. How? By turning his father into your sex slave, of course! November 7, 1999 Name: "Myk" Sign: Scorpio Trouble: I have a band that is very popular in the city of Everett, WA. I have tattoos, a good job that I make decent money at, I am a superb artist and musician, and I am very good looking. Yet I have been single for over 2 years. Is my definition of a strapping young lad different than the female species' definition? How can I be more attractive to the ladies? My Advice: No wonder you're single — you're perfection incarnate! Everyone knows that women are intimidated by men who have looks, talent, fame and money. You're so awe-inspiring and unapproachable, you're like a GOD! If you really want some action, you'll take yourself down a few notches. Quit your job. Stop bathing. Get addicted to crack. Maybe even conceal that fetching "Born 2 Fuck" forehead tattoo. October 31, 1999 Name: "Amy"    Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: I treat my boyfriend kind of bad. In my past relationships the guys that I have dated treated me like dirt and I worshipped the ground that they walked on. Now that I have a wonderful guy that treats me like a princess I am mean to him. What can I do? My Advice: Clearly new boy is all wrong for you. He's like, "Kissy-kissy lovey-dovey smooch smooch." And you're like, "This is my toejam - feel free to season your food with it." You need a real man again, so you can be like, "Here, I nuked you these pizza rolls so you won't get hungry while watching sports on TV all day!" October 25, 1999 Name: "Jen" Sign: Capricorn Trouble:My friend wants me dead because I had her boyfriend over to help me set up my computer. He fixed my computer, we hung out at a street fair for a couple hours and he left. End of story! My friend found out and now accuses me of being a promiscuous slut, which is not true. Is this a friendship that is worth trying to save? My Advice: Save? Hell NO! Like you'd even want any of her second-hand nerd-boy anyway! You're such a bigger person than she is. And that's why before cutting her loose, you should tell her how all this makes you feel. I recommend doing so calmly, preferably in a mature and structured forum. In other words, go on Jerry Springer and scratch out that bitch's eyes while all America cheers!!! October 19, 1999 Name: "Mooch" Sign: Taurus Trouble:I am a high school student and I feel like no one hears what I have to say. Most of the time it is like I'm standing in a room screaming and no one hears me and no one even sees that I'm there. How do I get people to wake up and see that I'm there and hear me out? My Advice: Like, you're totally like Ralph Mouth. You're all like, "blah blah blah!" Then everyone around you is like, "whatever." Then they're all like, "let's go listen to what Richie Cunningham has to say!" And you're like, "SHIT!" What you need to do is take a sixer over to Fonzie's and be like, "teach me how to be cool and stuff!" Then Fonzie will be like, "Ayyyyyye!" October 10, 1999 Name: "Yvonne"   Sign: Scorpio Trouble:In 1989 I got a Guns and Roses tattoo over my entire forearm. Now I got five kids since then and gotten bigger. Axl's gotten really stretched out and he's not as cute as he was in the 80's. I don't have the money to fix it and I don't like looking at it every day any more. Help me please. It's hard. My Advice: Yvonne, you're learning the hard way that few things sting quite so bitterly as lingering regret over ill-conceived body modification. If you can't afford to remove it, I suggest you learn to appreciate your little glam rocker portrait for what it represents - the fleetingness of youth and your irreversible transformation into a bloated redneck skank. Good luck! October 4, 1999 Name: "Akriti" Sign: Taurus Trouble:I study really hard and get pretty good marks too. But the problem is that my best friend gets better marks than me always and though I have this desire to tell her that she is a screwed up fucking bitch (excuse the language!), all I can tell her is congrats...... What should i do????? Please help!!!!!! My Advice: Don't get mad! Just remember what really matters is that you're true-blue friends — not that she's smarter, gets better grades, will go to a better college and become wildly successful. Stay positive, because in 15 years, when you're taking her order at the Wendy's drive-thru, you want to mean it when you say "Ohmigod! It's SO AWESOME to SEE YOU!" September 28, 1999 Name: "Tommy"    Sign: Taurus Trouble: I was driving home from a very exhausting day at the office last week, and when I noticed a well-buttucked blonde woman walking out of a Starbucks with a coffee and one hand and a magazine in the other. I did not get a very good look at her face, at first. To make a long story short- it turned out to be a guy. Am I gay? My Advice: Gay? You're queer as a three dollar bill, honey. But you know, not like "showtunes and potpourri" queer. And not like "leather teddy and stern paddlings" queer. And not even like "Burger King on Tuesdays" queer. You're more like "laptops and grandé latté" queer - with just of dash of "baseball season tickets" queer for good measure. Live it. It suits you. AUTUMN 1999   Select a Season! 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