SPRING 2000   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 June 20, 2000 Name: "Devyn" Sign: Virgo Trouble: Lori, my boyfriend really likes phone sex. A lot. The problem is that he likes phone sex with other women, not me, and will go to just about any length - including lying and paying money for it - to have it and keep it a secret from me. Should I ditch him? It's been two and a half years of this same shit. My Advice: If there's one thing I've learned during my post-graduate years at Hard Knocks Community College, it's that guys who masturbate secretly have major issues that need confronting. You need to be all, "How can you be so sneaky and devious?!" And then when he's all, "Huh?" You can be all, "Don't play dumb with me, mister—I've been reading your MasterCard® statements since 1998!" June 13, 2000 Name: "Benjamin" Sign: Gemini Trouble: I find that sometimes I become this "other person." I don't mean psycho or anything I just tend to shut down—as in not talk as much as I usually do. I also start thinking really negitively toward myself—almost to the point of bringing myself into the gutter. HEY LORI WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!?? My Advice: Benjamin - there's nothing wrong with you. It's perfectly normal to be a Gloomy Gus once in a while. It's part of being human! You see, if everyone were always happy, then there would be nothing to compare it to—and we'd get all confused and think that happy is the same as sad, which it's NOT! But with you being like you are, people can look at you and be all, "Now there's one miserable sonnuva-bitch!" June 6, 2000 Name: "Josh"    Sign: Pisces Trouble: When I was younger I could do anything that required imagination. I could write elabaorate stories and act and sing and such (but not dance). Anywho, now I seem to have lost my creativity. I'm strangely confused by it and wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I need so much attention from other people that I spend too much time wanting others to notice me. Can you help me become creative again, Lori? My Advice: Fact is, the thing you're calling creativity has never really left you, Josh. You see, the proverbial muse isn't some elusive and fickle traveler who just comes and goes. It's a part of your soul — and you can rediscover it at any time. Have you been distracted by all-consuming quest for attention? Maybe. Fortunately, this self-centeredness will come in plenty handy as you compose your brilliant and daring new musical, "Hey - Dig My Crazy Scrotum!" May 29, 2000 Name: "Maggie" Sign: Leo Trouble: My boyfriend is not aggressive, he is so passive it makes me want to scream. He lets people take advantage of him. From strangers cutting us in line at the supermarket to being treated completely unfairly. When I question him about this, he says Mags you don't know what you're talking about. Lori, I just want him to wear the pants and think a little bit quicker. Is there any hope? My Advice: Maggie - sounds to me like this boy-boy of yours is a bona-fide beta male. In all likelihood, he's been tucking his tail between his legs and fleeing confrontation since the day he started toddling about on his wrinkled little feet. Truth is, you should consider the possibility that boy-boy shouldn't be wearing the pants at all. And as luck would have it, the folks at Wal-Mart® are having a super blowout sale on boys' catheter-equipped knickers. May 22, 2000 Name: "Sean" Sign: Gemini Trouble: I can't figure out the old career...tried out deepsea biology, looked into rain forest biology, thought about the old psychology and kicking around National Geographic. Currently working at a think tank. Been looking into ethnobiology and Bill Nye the science guy...any suggestions on what I should spend the next 20 years working on? My Advice: Earth to Sean!! I mean, with all your mega-awesome science smarts and the way you know all about how different kinds of fishes and bugs and animals get down & dirty together, I'm surprised you're asking me what to do next. Like, isn't it totally obvious already? You've done the turbo-nerd job thing already - you're so over that. It's early retirement time! That's right - just find yourself a super-frail blue-haired sugar mamma widow, and love her to death! May 15, 2000 Name: "L.F." Sign: Cancer Trouble: I never can find women that will date me. I am not ugly, just shy. I ask out women all the time. I try to get to know them and see if the sparks fly. Well, no one is ever interested in me. I am tired of going out to clubs, bars, movies, classes, and other places to meet women only to be disappointed every time. What is wrong with the women out there? My Advice: They say that "clothes make the man," and they're right. If you're striking out with the ladies, you can bet your bottom dollar that ill-fitting Wranglers and a stained v-neck t-shirt have a lot to do with it. I mean, walk into any food court in any mall, and who's knee-deep in hotties? The Chess King® boys, that's who! So spice it up, L.F.! A shimmering muscle shirt and some vibrating jelly-trousers will have you awash in strumpets lickety-split! May 9, 2000 Name: "Marcelius"    Sign: Virgo Trouble: I have fallen three months behind on the rent. My landlord showed up the other day and wanted full payment on the first of the next month. What should I do? I can pay the guy and continue to live here, or can I tell him to blow it out his f#$*ing @$$hole and look for somewhere else to live. The place is a dump and probably wouldn't even be considered livible in Alabama (I'm in Florida). Should I leave or stay? Please help me. My Advice: Fortunately for you, possession is nine tenths of the law in Florida. That means that Mr. Landlord can't physically evict you before first enduring months of tiresome (and costly!) legal maneuvering with lethargic Dixie bureaucrats. All you'll need to do is give the Department of Housing some semi-viable excuse for withholding rent. You know, something like "Despite repeated requests, landlord failed to widen doorframes to enable passage of my fat, lazy ass on its way to work." May 1, 2000 Name: "Cody"    Sign: Taurus Trouble: There's a beautiful woman that works at a cafe I frequent. I think she's totally rad-a-dad-dad, but I can't gather the gumption to go and talk to her. She bummed a few smokes like a week ago, and we talked a little then, but other than that, nada. She's a beauty, and I totally want to get her number, but staring at her through the store windows just doesn't seem to be getting her attention! Please help me! My Advice: Cody - while this girl-girl may be rad-a-dad-dad, she'll peg you for a lud-a-dud-dud unless you drop this ultra-loser staring routine. What you need is a super-mega pickup line—something daring, yet subtle, like "Come with me to my third-floor walkup, you sex-pot cafe-lizard you, where I will slip into my finest silken pajamas, then recline seductively atop a Le Corbusier chaise lounge, and you shall asphyxiate me in a bohemian cloud of coffee & cigarette halitosis!" April 23, 2000 Name: "Sean" Sign: Aquarius Trouble: Over spring break, I broke up with my girlfriend of 14 months. It had been nice, but I knew I didn't love her and probably never would. She knew I didn't love her but she loves me so she was willing to forgive me that little detail. Anyhow, I broke up with her and since then, she keeps threatening to kill me. Is this just a harmless phase or ought I to be worried? My Advice: Don't worry, Sean—there's no reason to be worried. Truth be told, we ladies often get a little kooky after a break-up. Your ex is certain to calm down within the next six months, at which time those pesky death threats should cease. If not, you should go out for coffee. Be kind, yet firm when you explain, "I hope you're not still pissy cuz I dumped you. It's just that being around you sucks ass, and I really wanted some younger tail." Then buy her a latté—she'll understand. April 17, 2000 Name: "Mike" Sign: Pisces Trouble: I've had a terrible crush on this beautiful girl for eight years now. She has swapped like 100 boyfriends during this time and always comes crying to me when those jerks abuse her and she can't leave them because the sex is too good. How can I finally expand my friendship with her into something more? Help me Lori, I'm over 30 years old and I've never had a girlfriend before. My Advice: Clearly, the object of your affections is under the mistaken impression that you're gay. I mean, she does confide in you like you're sitting in the next stall or something, right? Fortunately, you can clear up the whole silly misunderstanding by revealing your true feelings. That's right, Little Miss Century Club will drop good nookie like a hot potato when offered the opportunity to get ultra-busy with the creepy secret-pining thirtysomething virgin that is you! April 11, 2000 Name: "Cookies" Sign: Virgo Trouble: I just started dating the boy of my dreams here at school, but crisis has torn us apart. Him and his roommates were partying late one night, one of them ended up dead of a drug overdose, and the rest of them now face jail time for drug possession. Now said love of my life is kicked out of school and facing prison. Should I stand by him or move on? My Advice: If there's one thing I know, it's that nothing strains a good relationship quite like the spectre of impending incarceration. Sure, things may seem tough now, but if you give up, you'll always wonder, "What if?" So take advantage of these precious pre-trial days—spend quality time together. Have a picnic. Fly a kite. Spend a romantic evening at home, cuddling tightly as you lovingly pick the scabs from boy-boy's infected trackmarks. April 2, 2000 Name: "John"     Sign: Scorpio Trouble: Lori, I am SO psyched about writing to you! I read your column and I have such the crush on you. Reading the advice, I'm all like 'damn, she's fine.' Problem is, I'm married. So, I'm like, 'hey, wife, be peachy like Lori!' and she's all like 'Fuck off, loser. I hate that cyber-tramp!' I know I can't have you. But how can I get my wife all peached up so that she can remind me of you? Help me! My Advice: Awwwwwww, that is so sweet Johnny-cakes! You know I've been writing this column for over two years, and your email is the nicest I've ever received. Thank you so much! Now about this making old whatserface more like Lori business, I'm happy to report that it sounds like she's halfway there already. What's left? Just rig up wifey-wife with a monster peachy strap-on—she'll have you singing Catherine the Great just as fast as I ever could! March 28, 2000 Name: "Sims"     Sign: Capricorn Trouble: I think I am falling in love but I am really not sure. I am with a guy and when I am with him I just like to sit there and look into his eyes. Unfortunately, he wants a much less committed relationship than I do. He is cheating on me with another girl who is a close friend of mine, and I know about it and he knows I know about it but I just don't have the strength to do or say anything. What should I do?! My Advice: Sweet, sweet, naive Capricorn! The reason your guy is still playing the field is that he senses your uncertainty. Sure, you may be giving him hours and hours of the goo-goo-ga-ga eyes, but he's waiting for a real sign that you're ready for true love. That's right—you'll see boy-boy's hesitation evaporate like morning dew the minute you pick up that steak knife and carve flattering likenesses of him into both of those cute little paws of yours! SPRING 2000   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!