SPRING 1999   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 June 13, 1999 Name: "Yael"   Sign: Taurus Trouble: There's this boy I like. We're like "in the same social group" and we're both very smart and get all A+'s and stuff and we laugh and sometimes we do a contest on who finishes 15 pages of math first or something and he's really cute, and I don't look bad myself. The problem is that he has a "girlfriend" in another city, but he never sees her. I think he likes me. What should I do? My Advice: It's a familiar story: Girl goes to school. Girl meets boy in "nerd clique." Girl and boy flirt awkwardly through academics. Girl likes boy. Boy invents fictitious long-distance girlfriend. I hear it all the time. What you need to do is give this relationship a jumpstart; Invite Scooter to your house for a study date. Once he's inside, corner him in the rec room and announce, "Tonight we'll be cramming Biology." Then start doing just that. June 6, 1999 Name: "Louise"   Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: Every boy I meet is a disappointment. I want a boy who knows how to coordinate his socks with his wingtips, a boy who won't wear white before Memorial Day. I want to meet that special someone with a flair for whistling, and a keen knowledge of world cheeses. Where ever do I find my Mr. Right? My Advice: Finding a perfect soulmate in this wacky world can be a very daunting task. It's like life is the Library of Congress, and men are books; but only one is the manuscript of your contentment. How to find it? In your case, I recommend making a beeline to the Encyclopedia of Modern A Capella Singers, where Mr. Wingtip Gouda Whistler is bound to be lurking! May 31, 1999 Name: "Dennis"   Sign: Scorpio Trouble: My girlfriend is leaving for the summer and an old flame has come back to town. There are still sparks with the old flame, but I don't want to ruin my current relationship. I've never done the distance thing before and I'm nervous about it, especially with all the temptations! What should I do? My Advice: Dennis, Dennis! You wouldn't recognize a gift horse if it kicked you in the teeth! Girlfriend's summer plans mean just one thing - it's Grease reenactment time! That's right, you're the horndog John Travolta to old flame's Olivia Newton John for the whole summer. Then when school starts, just tell that Australian tramp to jump the first kangaroo back to Sydney! May 24, 1999 Name: "Bean" Sign: Scorpio Trouble: My husband had an affair over a year ago. He says that it's over and that he is very sorry. That he loves me and wants to make it work, but I still have a hard time forgetting about it and forgiving him totally. I want to move forward but am looking for something to keep me moving in that direction. Help!!! My Advice: Working through the many painful feelings sparked by conjugal betrayal is something that doesn't happen overnight. It takes patience, hard work and a lot of time, during which it's perfectly normal to have doubts about your mate. Hubby understands this, which is why he'll have no objection when you insist on having him fitted for a high security chastity belt! May 17, 1999 Name: "David" Sign: Libra Trouble: I love a woman, who loves me back. All my friends are popping the question to their girlfriends, and they are really pushing me to propose to my girlfriend, but I don't think either of us is ready to get engaged. How do I get my friends off my back? My Advice: Your friends are pressuring you because they're still nervous about getting hitched themselves. They have a pack mentality, and your hopping aboard the marriage train will help legitimize their decisions. Getting them to lay off is simple though! Confess to an all-consuming obsession with morbidly obese chicks - and wife swapping! May 10, 1999 Name: "Mike" Sign: Pisces Trouble: There's this really nice waitress who works at my favorite bar, and I think she's interested in me, but I'm not sure. I really want to ask her out, but I'm afraid that if I do, and she says no, that I won't feel comfortable in that bar anymore. Help! My Advice: Well, somebody just fell off a hay wagon, didn't he? Mikey, Mikey - it's common knowledge that bar wenches aren't in it for the money - they do it because they love being mauled and ogled by every keg monkey with a yeasty pulse and a half pint of libido. That's you! So go for it - today, tomorrow and for all time! May 5, 1999 Name: "Danielle" Sign: Aries Trouble: There is a guy I know, and sometimes he's a really, really great person and sometimes he's just a total jerk. The thing is I'm kind of attracted to him but I don't know how to handle it when he's in one of his less charming moods. How can I tell if he's attracted to me too? My Advice: Guys often use this kind of Jekyll & Hyde routine as a way of testing the waters. He's interested, all right. Once you give him the signal, he'll pounce like a sweet little puppy. Just remember, you don't want to scare him away though, so make sure your signal is provacative, yet unintimidating. Try something subtle, like sending him a plaster cast of your breasts! April 25, 1999 Name: "Jennifer"    Sign: Aries Trouble: A friend of mine has, in the last two years, become very spiritual. At least, that's what I thought, but when I attended her wedding last month I discovered that this "spirituality" is really code for "brainwashing cult". Now she's doing things that are driving friends away, because her leader tells her to. What should I do? My Advice: Now there's a toughie! You'll keep her as a friend, but only if she drops the looney-bird messiah rap. Sounds to me like a little reverse brainwashing is in order! That's right, pulling your friend out of cult-world is as simple as abducting her, force-feeding her Christmas cookies, then mummifying her in a holy coccoon of miniature psalm books and duct tape! April 17, 1999 Name: "Justin" Sign: Leo Trouble: I really dig a colleague of mine. Problem is - she just broke up with another co-worker (who's also on my team). I think she's really groovy, but I don't want to lay a bad trip on the guy, because he and I are buddies. Yoicks! What should I do, Lori? My Advice: Go with your feelings! Give Little Miss Teammate a big gulp of Justin's Love Potion # 9. Sure, the other guy may feel like a lowly cuckold, but that's OK! It's all worth it, because nothing transforms the mind-numbing drudgery of cubicle life into the zany fun of a real-life UPN sitcom faster than a bitter workplace love triangle! April 8, 1999 Name: "Matt"     Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: I started cybering with some girls whose husbands are my work friends. We've now moved beyond innocent flirting over the net and are getting together on a regular basis with either one or both of them as they are friends. Should I break it off before I get into trouble or milk it out a little longer? My Advice: Milk it out as long as possible, Matt. Remember - you've stumbled across a very rare and special situation. Married, schmarried! Not only are these "cybering girls" eager to actually get together in the flesh, but you know for a fact that they're not really 400 lb. UNIX-boy technicians with severe groin fungus and Mountain Dew breath! April 2, 1999 Name: "Sara"     Sign: Virgo Trouble: I think my husband is cheating on me. Every time I confront him with evidence I've found, he has an explanation like "the condoms were for a friend" or "I placed that personals ad for you" or "that woman who keeps calling is one of my clients." Should I just ignore it or should I say something to him? I'm just so angry! My Advice: Of course he's cheating, Sarah. But don't get mad - get even! Go out and find yourself a new boyfriend, preferably a thick-necked former Lacrosse captain who's prone to jealousy-inspired rage. You'll be surprised and delighted at just how quickly hubby's coven of libidnous harpies will scatter once he starts eating meals through a flexi-straw! March 21, 1999 Name: "Michael"     Sign: Aries Trouble: A few weeks back I went to a bar and got very drunk. I ended up fondling just about every girl at the bar, and even grabbed a few breasts. I want to apologize to one of the girls, Sheila, but she completely avoids me. Everyone else has forgiven me, except her. How can I make it up to her? My Advice: Michael - At some point during the pain and suffering of your two day hangover, you seem to have forgotten that blind drunk or not, you were downright charming that night. Chances are, Sheila's upset you didn't give her enough attention. Solution? Suffice it to say that a little unsolicited nipple twisting can go a long way in mending a strained friendship. SPRING 1999   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!