SUMMER 2000   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 September 18, 2000 Name: "Jenny"    Sign: Leo Trouble: I am 18, this is my first relationship. We have been together for 10 months, yet in the beginning of the relationship he would make comments and stare at other girls. I am pretty and he tells me so. Yet, his comments from the past make me feel so low. I have terrible low self-esteem and I think it is b/c of him. One time he said, "Your body is perfect except you could use bigger boobies." He said he is changing now, but I still feel bad! Help! My Advice: Jenny, I know what you're experiencing right now is hard — it's something that every girl has to learn first-hand: that the male of the species can be heartless, unfeeling, and downright rude sometimes! Thing is, if you don't speak up when they misbehave, they'll just keep walking all over you like some kind of astroturf doormat or something. So next time whatshisface says mean things about your boobies, you need to be all, "Shut up about that, Uncle Frank, or I'll tell my dad and you'll never babysit me again!" September 11, 2000 Name: "Davy"    Sign: Aquarius Trouble: A while ago, I had a school-year fling with a girl. I wasn't really into her, but she was available and I needed sex. Anyway, she got pregnant, and now I have to stick by her. I love our son, but I just want to cruise the bars with my friends and pick up chicks. I've cheated on her repeatedly. Am I doing the wrong thing by stringing her along? Or is it better that she has what she needs to live and care for our baby? Please help! My Advice: Davy - while I respect the fact that you've made every effort to live up to your obligations as a father, I cannot condone your rampant unfaithfulness. You see, there's more to it than just hurting the mother of your child. With each sexual indiscretion you commit, you're becoming a different man — and you need to ask yourself, "What do I want my son to become? The old me - a schoolgirl-impregnating fuckaholic? Or the new me - a Chi-Chi's waitress-humping fuckaholic? September 4, 2000 Name: "Andrew"    Sign: Capricorn Trouble: My ex and I live in Germany. She was sent off to work elsewhere in the world, and I was left alone to fend for myself. A friend came to Germany and we spent the weekend in Paris. Sure enough things got a little complicated (if ya know what I mean), then she went back home. Now I really want her back but it would kill our friendship. As for my ex, she was infuriated about the whole thing but I want to try to keep her as a friend too. What ever do I do? My Advice: Sounds to me like someone wants to have his dirty German black forest cake and eat it too. Well get real, Andrew - because there ain't no bakery around that's going to serve up that dessert. Fact is, your fate was sealed the moment you and girl-girl #2 took off to slut it up in beret town. You know, when you checked in to that cutesey little hotel, and then she was all, "Complicate me! Complicate me hard, like the loose foofy amazon tramp that I am — again and again — you big cheating Third Reich aryan kielbasa monster!" August 28, 2000 Name: "Heidi" Sign: Libra Trouble: I need help to become a bitch. There are these girls in my school who always say I'm talking about them when I'm not and I need to know how to avoid them! They're all popular and they can do damage and I need to be as arrogant and bitchy as possible but I just don't know how. Please help me, Lori! My Advice: OHMIGOD! I know totally what you mean. Like, you're all, just minding your own business and stuff, listening to Manson - and they're all, like totally giving you shit and calling you "cuntbag." Losers! Just ignore them, Heidi, and eventually they'll get bored. And if that doesn't work, just invite their princess clique-leader to the janitor's closet for a mid-day snack of fistful-of-hair on Heidi-boot crackers! August 21, 2000 Name: "Emmitt"    Sign: Leo Trouble: I've been seeing this girl for several years and we have always had a really passionate relationship, if you get my drift. But lately the fire seems to have dwindled in our sex life. To help turn up the heat she thinks we should watch some porno movies. I have seen porno movies in the past, but she hasn't. My problem is all the guys in those movies are "bigger" than I am. Should I be worried that she will see their robust manliness or am I just being vain? My Advice: Vain, Schmain. Listen up Mister! Vanity ain't got nothing to do with that hideous thing in your pants - but I'll tell you what does: Survival of the Fittest! So should you be worried about the possibility of girl-girl feasting her eyes on the Grade-A pulsing mansteaks of professional fornicators? HELL, YES! You see, once she's observed a proper love python in action, even the very memory of your little beta-male willy-worm will send her reeling into paroxysms of hysterical laughter. Hope this helps, Emmitt! Good luck! August 14, 2000 Name: "Susi" Sign: Virgo Trouble: I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year, and I've been in love with him for almost 4 years. We're finally together and blissfully happy, but he doesn't want kids or marriage, and I do! He also thinks that we can't stay together because he's Jewish and I'm Catholic and our parents would be very unhappy. What should I do? My Advice: Blissfully happy my ass! Boy-boy says "No" to kids and marriage, and you're blissfully happy?! Yeah, and I've got a naughty little snakeskin yarmulke you can borrow, sister! Whatever. What should you do? Well, since the idea of dueling inlaws clearly has him spooked, it's up to you to bring yours and boy-boy's families together. Luckily, nothing bridges interfaith rifts quite like a home-cooked gefilte fish pope-loaf! August 7, 2000 Name: "Noah" Sign: Pisces Trouble: I've been working at this place for a little while and I am only 19. My problem is this older lady with two kids (they are about 5 years younger than me) likes me! She tries to dress sexy and I see her every where I go when I'm out with my friends. I try to avoid her but it's not possible because of my job. What should I do? My Advice: Earth to Noah! You're passing up a major opportunity, peachfuzz! So granny wants to wrap her creaky, varicosity-covered legs around your fresh, nubile body and have her dirty old middle-aged way with you. Well there are plenty of things you want too, right? Uh-huh! So next time you're out with your posse, and old whatserface shows up, you can be all, "Hey toots! Go score us a keg of Bud, OK?" July 31, 2000 Name: "Andrew" Sign: Virgo Trouble: Every day I come home from work, and it's always the same routine: work out, then eat, then play on my computer, then watch a movie, get drunk, and go to sleep. I feel like there should be more to my life. My friends have stopped asking me to go out on weekends. Should I curb my rituals to feel right again? Help me, please! My Advice: Why do you feel like there should be more to your life? I mean, your routine sounds pretty mega-awesome to me. Like, what else is there? Going out with friends? To do what? Get loaded and laid? Well, assuming you're getting some super-lotioney hand-love every night, I think you're doing a swell job on both those fronts all by your lonesome! But if you really must change, try something fun and frivolous - like huffing gasoline! July 24, 2000 Name: "Jerry"    Sign: Aries Trouble: I really am looking for a life-partner but all the replies to my web personal ads want sex. And a few of the one's I've actually met have turned out to be somewhat hot. I'm not against casual sex as long as it is safe, but how can you get to know someone for who they really are if all you are gonna do is boink your brains out? Help me. I'm running out of resolve and may turn into a slut (again). Thanks. My Advice: Jerry, let me start by saying that I'm sensing real ambivalence in you over this business. You say you want a life-partner, yet you're still wet-humping every cybertramp with a hole and a heartbeat. If you really want to get serious, you need to forget about the internet personals, and start cruising the Christian outreaches and prayer groups - because somewhere out there, there's a born-again lunachick with your name etched in incense burns across her ass. July 17, 2000 Name: "Jay" Sign: Virgo Trouble: I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 months now and have come to a point where I just dont know what to say anymore, I'm on an everquest to do or say something charming so she knows I care for her, I think about her constantly and miss her when she is gone. Do I really need to keep up the act of charm? My Advice: I know totally what you mean, Jay. It's like you've already said everything there is to say, right? I used to date this guy just like you. We'd go out for food with our friends, and everyone would be like talking about the weather and stuff, and then he was all like telling everyone about this thing he already told me. So I'd be all, "Hey Broken Record! Go get us some fucking ketchup already!" July 10, 2000 Name: "Sherry"    Sign: Virgo Trouble: I have been seeing a guy for about 9 months, but I have been in love with him for a year and half now. I know that he loves me but he keeps on breaking up with me then calling me back to forgive him. I am done and tired of being treated like a yoyo. Should I dump him for good or give his pathetic ass one more chance? My Advice: I can't believe you're even asking me this, girlfriend! Of course you give him another chance! I mean, you've already put so much time into this boy-boy. It's like, nine months and stuff, you know?! If your relationship with him started as like a little foetus of romance, then by now it's all totally developed, and you're all hanging out in the stirrups, getting ready for super-major episiotomy action! July 3, 2000 Name: "Sean" Sign: Aquarius Trouble: Like I have this big problem. There is this guy in our office, like he's really cool and everything but he like totally stresses us all out. He's constantly reminding me of deadlines and meetings and making sure I'm not messing up and all. He laughs really loud and shouts "Crazy!" all the time. He realllly gets on my nerves. I'm kind of afraid of him, but like him all at the same time. Am I weird? My Advice: Well, assuming you're defining "weird" as meaning "secretly wishing to be bound and gagged by the cruel and demanding office taskmaster, who cackles maniacally as he hoists your naked, contorted frame high above a cluster of beige cubicles and deep into an intricate web of vinyl rope and pulleys while you deliver impassioned pleas for leniency, even as your face burns hot with shame from having missed your third deadline on the Powerpoint® presentation project," well then yes, you're weird. June 26, 2000 Name: "Lilly"    Sign: Leo Trouble: I give up and lose motivation and then feel unhappy about it. I want an exciting career but I don't know how to go about it. I sometimes feel that it's stupid to think I could really excel at something. When I feel confident and motivated about something it doesn't last long and I feel that I could never succeed at anything and that I'm destined to have a mediocre life. My Advice: Lilly, Lilly, Lilly! You stop being all silly! Now this may sound like some tired old cliché your grandma used to spew, but the truth is that you really can succeed at anything you set your mind to. That's right—just think of your super-ultra dream job, then say to yourself, "I can even do better than that!" Next, convince yourself that "better than that" really means becoming a welfare mom. Then go off and do just that. Way to go, Lilly! SUMMER 2000   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!