SUMMER 1998   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 September 20, 1998 Name: "LMG"    Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: I have been dating this guy for two years and during the two years we've been together he keeps getting locked up and I don't want to mess around on him but if he keeps getting locked up I think I want to just call it quits. What do you think I should do? My Advice: Stay the course, LMG. Love survives - even through bulletproof glass and razorwire. And remember, it takes just nine or ten shipments of high grade hashish, ferried to the "inside" in the major orifice of your choice, to fund that fancy new IROC Z Camaro you've been eyeing! September 9, 1998 Name: "Antwoinette"    Sign: Leo Trouble: i been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months. one day i went out of town. when i came back my cousin said he was a dog. well i asked him do he want to break up and he said know, but after that he stop calling and i guess he want to break up, but he never told me and he had me thinking we was still together. I want advice on what to say to him because i still want to be with him. My Advice: Finding the right words for an emotionally charged situation like this can be very challenging. You need to be firm, yet diplomatic - forceful, yet demure. I recommend you say, "Dog, you keeps freakin' me freestyle, likes a pig farmer do a sow, fo ever an ever, and I'll be lovin' you always - even whens you fills me up wit funky love diseases you catched from some crusty Dominican ho." September 1, 1998 Name: "Saylah"    Sign: Libra Trouble: I am one of those people who thinks that only you can make yourself happy and life is what you make it, but lately I have been extremely sad. I love to help people and listen to their problems but lately they have been giving me my own advice. I know I have to cheer up and keep positive, how should I go about it? My Advice: Dear Saylah - You're suffering from a little something known as "Contact-Depression." Afflicting do-gooders who compulsively inflate the emotional flat tires of whiners, cry-babies & failures, Contact-Depression is easily treated by adopting a strict regimen of scorn, derision, and barbituates. Best of luck! August 24, 1998 Name: "Steve" Sign: Virgo Trouble: I think I stunted the growth of my penis when I started masturbating really young. I'm in my 30's now and still a virgin. It's so small, I'm embarassed to have a relationship with a girl. If I did, and she told my friends, I don't think I could live with myself. I don't see the point in living. My Advice: Dear Steve - I'm sure you're familiar with the old adage - "It doesn't matter how big it is, it's what you do with it." Well that's a crock. You're right to fear that girls will talk about your feeble member. Not only do we tell everyone we know about people like you - we'll even write your name, address, and "measurements" in public restrooms! August 17, 1998 Name: "Rupret" Sign: Aquarius Trouble: My wife insists on choosing and laying out my clothing for me every day before I go to work. At first I really appreciated it, but now I'm starting to resent it. It's not like I'm a fashion idiot! I actually have pretty good taste. How do I tell her to stop without hurting her feelings? My Advice: Well, since you don't want to insult her sense of style, the natural route is to try to dissuade her from rummaging through your clean laundry in the first place!   How? Head on down to the local magazine stand and load up on gay porn, then "conceal" it amongst your BVDs. She'll stop her shenanigans toute-suite! August 11, 1998 Name: "Ken"   Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: I am completely in love with this girl named Erin (not that her name matters or anything). I know that she likes me and we talk all the time, but everytime the conversations get intimate I find it impossible to tell her how I feel. I can see that I am slipping into the "friend zone", and it's driving me insane! What should I do? My Advice: Fact is Ken, the outer regions of the "friend zone" actually make the best springboards to white-hot animal passion - IF you play it right. Here's what you do - the next time you're at Erin's and she goes to the ladies room, quickly disrobe, slather yourself in vanilla pudding, and start thinking sexy. When she returns, boy will you ever see some action! August 4, 1998 Name: "Lana"   Sign: Capricorn Trouble: I am having a hard time trusting in my husband. I don't mean to be this way but I've had bad past relationships and I guess I expect the same from him, like he lies every now and then usually little things but in my mind if you can lie about something little then you can lie about something big. My Advice: Lana - While hubby's probably pretty truthful when it comes to the big stuff, it does sound like he could use a taste of his own medicine. Go ahead, break out a few little white lies of your own. You know, harmless & cute fibs like "I married you for love" or "Of course I'm wearing my diaphragm." July 27, 1998 Name: "Cathy" Sign: Pisces Trouble: I love my boyfriend, and we have started to plan a long future together. My problem is that he is shorter than me. Nowadays, people seem to disapprove of couples in which the woman is taller. I don't know if I can handle it or even if I should. Should I hold out for someone taller? My Advice: Of course you should hold out for someone taller! Cathy, get your head out of the sand, girl! Society has always frowned upon couplings the likes of yours, and for a very good reason too. You see, it's a well known scientific fact that when short men pursue tall women, it's a sure-fire sign that their sperm is dangerously radioactive! July 20, 1998 Name: "Betsy" Sign: Pisces Trouble: I have longstanding plans to go visit an old boyfriend. We're both single, and it was understood that the visit would be filled with sexual frolicking. Problem is - I met a boy two weeks ago. I'm head over heels. Should I tell him about my ex, or just sweep it under the rug? I can't cancel the trip - but I don't want to lose this guy. My Advice: Whatever happens, do NOT tell new boy about the saucy details of your trip. Go and enjoy yourself - indulge in all of your favorite carnal diversions. Indoors. Outdoors. Upside down. With toys. Without. Then come home and pick up where you left off with new boy. All's well. Everybody's a winner. And everybody's got a full-blown case of gonorrhea! July 12, 1998 Name: "Roger"    Sign: Virgo Trouble: I am a poet. I cannot help but to analyze everything around me and seek some sort of semblance though metaphor and simile. I drive my girl friend mad like a constant dripping faucet. I am a metaphor! Help me!!! My Advice: There once was a Virgo from deep in the South, whose most prominent flaw was surely his mouth. So contrived was his verse, and his grammar so poor - our young Virgo's girlfriend did show him the door. Now solo he scribbles, a beret on his head - like a mime or a juggler, he'd be better off dead! July 6, 1998 Name: "Alicia"    Sign: Taurus Trouble: My boyfriend won't put out unless we videotape ourselves doing it. To be totally honest, I kinda like it - but not ALL the time. (It's getting kinda old!) I don't know how to tell him how I feel. What should I do? My Advice: Alicia - In order to make Alan Funt-boy's game worth your time and energy, you need to incorporate something that YOU like. Explain to him that you're not going to put out either - unless things go your way. And because you're a Taurus - that naturally means that he's the fistee. July 1, 1998 Name: "Nazia"    Sign: Libra Trouble: I have this really great friend who understands me perfectly. Unfortunately, he's male and my parents don't appreciate his calling my house practically every day. My sister says he likes me and now I'm confused. I mean, if you can have a best friend then why can't he be a guy? My Advice: That family of yours - like, what total flakes! They are so out of touch with what kids are really like. I mean, it's just the phone, right? It's not like he's really exploring every crevice of your naked, subconsciously wanting body with his eager, probing tongue by just, like, talking about geometry and stuff. Like, get real! June 24, 1998 Name: "Liz"    Sign: Scorpio Trouble: I don't know what to do with myself - I'm at a college which is only 30% male, and I can't find a boyfriend to save my life, as all the men here are 18 or so - I'm 23! And the last time I kissed anyone was over half a year ago, and I got glandular fever! My Advice: The sad truth is that those gypsy moth mustaches you're chasing aren't even destined for natural thickening. Your college has a dirty little secret: "30% male" is a wild exaggeration. So you see - that wasn't glandular fever at all - it was a violent allergic reaction to the hormone-riddled saliva of a pre-operative transsexual! SUMMER 1998   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!