SUMMER 1999   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 September 20, 1999 Name: "Scott" Sign: Aquarius Trouble: I finally convinced my girlfriend to put herself on the pill. I'm like, "It's your responsibility!" Ya know! So the problem is that she does not like it because it makes her breasts too sensitive. I want her to have more erogenous breasts anyway. What can I do to keep her on the pill? My Advice: Whoa. I mean, what's her deal and stuff? Too sensitive? As if! Tell her she's all psyched and stuff. Tell her she can just go to work and get like totally turned on and stuff just by like sitting in her cube and doing nothing! And then she's like checking out all the guys she works with and being like, "Enough of Scott! I needs me summa that action." How RAD! September 13, 1999 Name: "Sallie"    Sign: Taurus Trouble: My friends accuse me of living a bad post-MFA novel because I'm dating my professor, but I think we've really got something going! Love? I don't know about that, but we have a really good time together. The only real problem is that we're "secret" so he doesn't lose his job and I don't get kicked out of school. Is there any hope for our relationship? My Advice: First off, let me say that there's no such thing as a bad post-MFA novel! And secondly, your so-called "friends" are just jealous of all the red-hot postmodernist foreplay you're enjoying. You know, like when he peels off all that sweaty tweed and seductively hisses, "Oh, baby - your postpatriarchal dialectics make me swell with neotextual phallocentrism! Oh yeah!" September 6, 1999 Name: "Beulah"    Sign: Taurus Trouble: Whenever I am cooking, my boyfriend degrades me and tells me that I couldn't cook my way out of a paper bag. Then he pulls my pants down to distract me. Invariably, the potatoes get burned. When I order takeout, he tells me I don't know what to order. And when I pull his pants down, he says last girlfriend was prettier. Does he have a drinking problem? My Advice: Boyfriend longs for more than mere drink. He may speak in behavioral riddles, but his meaning is clear - he seeks a forbidden culinary love, one that dare not speak its name. To keep him, you must "put out" in new ways, by learning to prepare succulent & savory masterpieces - luscious and delectable comestibles destined to set his loins of gluttony ablaze! August 31, 1999 Name: "Jamie"    Sign: Pisces Trouble: I will be divorced on October 8th of this year. My problem is that I feel a need for someone, but I want to resist. I am very very upset about the fact that I have had sex with 18 guys and I am only 23 years old. I feel awful about that. I find myself not being able to say no to them even though I don't want to have sex. I know I have a right to say no but I don't. What I can do? My Advice: Honey, Honey, Honey! You've gotta lose that little guilt schtick you've got going there. 18 guys at 23 years old? Your only problem is you're still five short! If you really want my advice, you'll plan ahead and book plane tickets now for a fun-filled Spring Break 2000 in fabulous Cancun, Mexico! Trust me, everything will seem peaches and cream after an animalistic menage-a-cinq with four tequila-soaked Arizona frat boys! August 22, 1999 Name: "Tia"    Sign: Taurus Trouble: There's this guy that I dig and have become quite close to. I think he is totally hot, except for his teeth, which are really bad. I would like to perform oral favors for him but am afraid of what I might get in return. Do you know of any diseases (sexual or other) that I might get receiving cunnilingus from someone with such bad teeth?? Thanks so much Lori. My Advice: Fear not - there are no known diseases that spring from the dark and mysterious crevices between even the chunkiest of unflossed choppers. That said, you may wish to trim "down there" prior to your first mouth-to-coochie ho-down with your toofy gentleman, as his chipped and ragged incisors, flashing to and fro in the heat of passion, may accidentally defoliate your most sensitive of pastures! August 16, 1999 Name: "Sean"    Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: This woman I know would like to start dating me. She is divorced and has three children. She is extremely attractive and very intelligent. I could really go for this woman except that I'm really not ready for the instant family!!!! What should I do, Lori?? My Advice: She sounds positively perfect for you! Do everything you can to cultivate this special lady's love. Remember, once she's fully under your spell, it will be easy to convince her that her trio of pint-sized monsters would be much better off at military boarding school—living under the iron fist of a cruel & leathery drill instructor. August 9, 1999 Name: "Foofy"    Sign: Taurus Trouble: My co-workers are always stealing my computer passwords and logging on to the Internet to impersonate me in chat rooms and they get me in trouble with all kinds of strange people with weird names like Razor Ralph and Frodo Freddie. I can't stand it any more, but I don't want to upset the delicate balance of energy at work. What do I do? My Advice: Dear Foofy - Come, come—surely you know by now that your co-workers' relentless practical joking is really just an indicator of their genuine fondness for you. Don't get upset—show them that you're in on the gag, that you don't mind a little mischief, and hell—that you can whip up a surprise or two of your own—such as framing all those sons-a-bitches for felony embezzlement! August 1, 1999 Name: "Greg" Sign: Leo Trouble: During a recent job performance review, I noticed that my boss was saying alot of the same things my last boss said, and the boss before that, etc... They think my ability to prioritize needs improvement, and my overall attention to detail needs some serious work. Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. My Advice: My first suggestion is to take your employers' comments with a grain of salt. Remember, all bosses magnify minor flaws in order to justify giving out smaller raises. I mean, when it comes to attention to detail, there's always room for improvement, right? In fact, that's why 22% of Americans depend on the detail-focusing powers of street-grade methamphetamine to get their jobs done better, faster and smarter. You should too! July 26, 1999 Name: "Teresa" Sign: Aquarius Trouble: I am moving from California — where I've lived for all of my 22 years, to Wisconsin. When I tell my friends, most of them get this stupid look on their faces and ask "why?" — as if Wisconsin is the worst place to live in the world. I need a snappy line to shut them up when the subject arises again. My Advice: First of all, I want to congratulate you for having the courage to move so far away from home. That's a very hard thing to do! Remember though, moves are emotionally difficult for everyone. Your friends may be asking "why?" - but they're thinking "we care about you!" But then you just wanted a snappy comeback, right? Try "I figured it was time to catch chlamydia from some new losers!" July 19, 1999 Name: "Laney"   Sign: Aries Trouble: My friend Tina is whiny, clingy, obsessive and always jealous. She drives me and my other friend crazy - we even have to meet in secret because if she hears we are spending time together, she gets mad. This, of course, is when she isn't whining about this guy she likes and her sexual prowess. How do I get her to ease up without being a bitch? My Advice: Oh my God! Tina is like a total and complete spazz! Like, you know when old people say "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Well, Tina is like a 120 pound lemon, and her juice is like so sour and stuff, she'd cause those little white sores all over your tongue if you drank her. Girlfriend, I say take that lemon back to the grocery store, and be like, "Duh! I didn't ask for sores!" July 11, 1999 Name: "Ginger" Sign: Libra Trouble: Okay, my on-again off-again boyfriend - who I'm desperately in love with, slept with some whore while we were on a break from college. He says that it doesn't matter, and that I should take him back. I say it really does matter - especially since he was a virgin until this rendezvous! Your opinion? My Advice: You snooze you lose, girlfriend! But then I didn't have to tell you that, did I? We both know that what really upsets you is that you weren't enough in touch with your own inner whore to deflower boy-boy before old whatsername did. Solution? Never let it happen again! Break out that nifty new Citibank Visa of yours and build your own thousand dollar wardrobe of personal whorewear! July 3, 1999 Name: "Tim" Sign: Aries Trouble: What is troubling me is that I think that you are the biggest idiot there ever was. Your advice totally sucks. I can't believe that people actually write to you. You have no clue what the hell you are talking about. I could do a better job in my fucking sleep. I beg you, stop misleading these impressionable people!!! My Advice: Awwwww. Isn't Timmy-wimmy a sweet wittle mister cranky-wanky-pants today? Did my snookums have a bad day at school again? He did, didn't he? Did the big boys give Timmy-wimmy a mean old deepy-weepy wedgie again? Awwwww. Come here and let Lori smear Neosporin creme on it, and Timmy-wimmy can beg some more for Lori to retire - beg like a little doggy who's hungry for treats. Woof! June 28, 1999 Name: "Dana" Sign: Leo Trouble: My parents are being completely fucking stupid about every single thing I do. I've been grounded for the past three and a half months because of bad grades and plus they caught me smoking, so now I'm grounded even longer. How do I get out of this horrible groundation period? My Advice: Try not to be too upset with mom and dad, Dana. They're just trying to do what's best for you. Those bad grades and smoking have them convinced that you're on the road to full-blown junvenile delinquency. Prove them wrong, and the grounding is over. How? Do something fabulously mature and family-oriented, like conceiving an illegitimate child. June 22, 1999 Name: "Daniel"   Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: I've been trying to find a solid relationship but all that happens are one-night-stands. How do you know when that perfect someone comes along and won't take advantage of you? In fact, two nights ago one of my old friends came over because she had been drinking and she wanted to mess around. I didn't really think it was a good idea but it was not an option to resist. Now things are awkward. What am I gonna do? My Advice: Sounds like it's time to kill two birds with one stone, Danny. Here's how: Explain to your old friend that in the days since your drunken premarital comminglings, you've embraced the way and the light of Jesus Christ, and that in his eyes, you're already married! Next, slip that big Jostens high school wrestling ring of yours on her right thumb, give her a long & passionate kiss, then whisper breathlessly into her waiting ear, "Now go on and fetch me a beer, sugar." SUMMER 1999   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!