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SPRING & WINTER 1998
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June 18, 1998
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Name: "Rebecca"
Sign: Cancer
Trouble: I am a recent High School graduate. I have
been accepted into the UT Austin Honors Dorm, but I'm afraid of other
people (specifically their dirt, washing machines, and BATHROOMS). What
should I do?
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My Advice:
There, there Rebecca. Your childish anal neuroses will pass soon
enough. And you know what? I'm willing to bet my bottom dollar that
after just a few weeks, you'll wonder how you ever even considered
living anyplace where nightly orgies of drugs and sex weren't the norm!
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June 12, 1998
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Name: "Karma"
Sign: Aquarius
Trouble: I work in mental health doing case management with people suffering
from chronic mental illnesses. A bunch of us where I work joke about the patients using
really tasteless black humor. Is this bad??
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My Advice:
Bad? Hell, no! Don't forget, millions of your mental health peers indulge in
off-colored humor. It makes work tolerable. You're like a teenaged fast food jockey -
whose bountiful (yet mischievously distributed) saliva makes every morsel of
your 9-5 weekday "just taste better."
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June 7, 1998
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Name: "Goanna"
Sign: Virgo
Trouble: I weigh 210 pounds. I'm too fat for a guy who likes skinny girls and too skinny
for the ones who like super fat ones and because of this I am shy. I am
pretty, but fat.
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My Advice:
It's a sad fact - men prefer extremes. But you can work that to your advantage. Take one of
your own extremes and go with it! Don't have one? Then it's time to get one! And
there's no better one to pursue than a super-serious mastery of fellacio!
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June 1, 1998
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Name: "Rachel"
Sign: Sagittarius
Trouble: Ok. I really like this guy named "Larry." I don't know if he likes me.
He's popular and I am somewhere in the middle of being popular. My problem
is that school ended today, and I probably won't see him again until next year.
I REALLY LIKE HIM!!! What should I do? I know you're going to say to call him up, but
it isn't that easy.
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My Advice:
Don't call him. You're only in the middle of being popular. If you call him, he's
going to tell the rest of the top of populars and they'll spend the entire summer laughing
about you. They'll say, "That middle popular girl, she's so like not as popular as us!" Then
they'll talk about that part of your body that makes you insecure. (Top of populars always know what
that is.)
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May 26, 1998 |
Name: "Renu"
Sign: Virgo
Trouble: Not only does my lazy husband drink too much, he depends on
me for money every time he needs cash in bulk. I am so sick and
tired of this. What should I do about it?
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My Advice:
Like, duh. Initiate divorce proceedings tomorrow. But tonight, indulge yourself.
Slip on some elastic waistband pants, slather yourself in a fancy designer imposter
fragrance,
and saunter on down to the local watering hole for some lava-hot adultery.
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May 20, 1998 |
Name: "Peter"
Sign: Aquarius
Trouble: My life seems to be an endless seesaw. One day I will be flying
in the clouds and the next I contemplate suicidal maneuvers that will free me of my
earthly bonds and propel me into Heaven.
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My Advice:
Peter - much
of your unhappiness stems from an obvious inability to escape the crushingly
cliched metaphors that make up your lexicon of adolescent angst. Start keeping
a diary - and burn it regularly.
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May 10, 1998 |
Name: "Denice"
Sign: Virgo
Trouble: I have a rebellious teenage son who is going through some tough times.
He's in to heavy metal, drugs, and has been in trouble with the police twice in the last
couple months.
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My Advice:
Fortunately, this is probably all just a phase. In the meantime, show him that you not
only understand, but that you share his interests. I've always found that a mother-son
acid trip is a wonderful place to start.
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May 1, 1998 |
Name: "Patsy"
Sign: Libra
Trouble: My parents are old, healthy, retired - and driving each other
crazy. They fight all the time. I hate going to their place, but feel obligated.
I dread the day one of them passes on and I will be responsible for caring for
the other one. What should I do?
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My Advice:
Your parents need professional marriage therapy - see that they get it. Now as
far as this grim reaper issue goes, you should know that scientists have proven
conclusively that offspring-administered high colonics are the ultimate fountain
of youth.
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April 23, 1998 |
Name: "Amber"
Sign: Taurus
Trouble: I really, really don't want to get old. Not even one year older. One
year will become two, then four, and before I know it I'll be 90 years old. I want to
stay young forever. How do other people just accept it?
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My Advice:
Who says you can't stay young forever, girlfriend? All it takes is obsessive exercise,
some cosmetic surgery, and a full wardrobe of trendy clothes. You'll be a
bonafide hideous caricature of youth in no time!
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April 15, 1998 |
Name: "Al"
Sign: Cancer
Trouble: I'm in a relationship with a woman who said she was a lesbian
before we started dating. Am I really realizing all my "Chasing Amy" fantasies
or did she just say that because she knew I'd want her more if she was gay?
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My Advice:
Shazam, big man! The fantasy is reality. You have converted a dyke, you live in New Jersey, and everyone
around you converses exactly like those loveably crabby cash register jockeys in "Clerks." Live
the adventure!
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April 9, 1998 |
Name: "Allen"
Sign: Scorpio
Trouble: I am in a triad relationship with two beautiful women,
one of whom is currently living with me, but wants to move into a place of
her own. How can I bolster my flimsy male ego and not be hurt by this?
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My Advice:
Assuming, of course, that you are not using "ego" euphemistically,
my recommendation is really quite simple: Be proactive! Go out and
do something you like, such as picking up another big-haired, gum -
cracking ho to swell the ranks of your harem of trollops.
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April 4, 1998 |
Name: "Janet"
Sign: Leo
Trouble: Sometimes when I'm in the supermarket,
I get an incredible urge to steal. Yesterday, I actually took a pack
of gum.
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My Advice:
Sadly for you, kleptomania is incurable. So
swallow that gum! Knowing that it will stay lodged snug in your colon
for months to come just might ease those pesky criminal urges.
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March 29, 1998 |
Name: "Calvin"
Sign: Sagittarius
Trouble: I'm 31 years old, and my mother is still running my life.
She picks my clothes, friends - even got me my last job. She's driving me
crazy. What can I do?
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My Advice:
Going shopping is always therapeutic. Start by writing
down five material possessions you desire more than all others, then add just
two more little items to your list: a clue, and a spine.
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March 22, 1998 |
Name: "Elaine"
Sign: Taurus
Trouble: I feel as if I'm not desirable to guys and I don't know why.
I am a pretty brunette, smart, and I have a great body. Please help. What should I do?
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My Advice:
9 times out of 10, problems in this area are due to crooked,
discolored or otherwise misshapen teeth. The best solution? Have yours extracted and replaced with a
gleaming set of quality dentures.
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March 16, 1998 |
Name: "David"
Sign: Cancer
Trouble: I feel guilty because I was a bully when I was in grade
school. I really enjoyed making life hell for weaker kids.
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My Advice:
Luckily for you, there are legions of professionals
who specialize in helping vermin like yourself come to terms with their
past selves. I recommend this one.
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March 10, 1998 |
Name: "Lolita"
Sign: Capricorn
Trouble: I'm terribly in love with a man that I work with and I
don't know if I should tell him how I feel.
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My Advice: Tell him? The hell with that. Show him!
Go out of your way to touch and compliment parts of
his body, and suggest that you're his ticket out of a cubicle
and straight to the top! It'll make him feel great!
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March 3, 1998 |
Name: "Jeff"
Sign: Aquarious
Trouble: The woman who sits next to me at my office farts
incessantly on Fridays.
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My Advice:
Sounds like a Thursday night lush. You're going to have to tough it out - unless, of
course, you can convert her into a devoted user of Anal Binacca ®.
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February 25, 1998 |
Name: "Lisa"
Sign: Capricorn
Trouble: I'm not sure I ever want to get married and have a family.
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My Advice:
Then don't. You don't stike me as the family type anyway - my guess is that you'll
do just fine living in a ramshackle Winnebago with thirty or forty cats.
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February 19, 1998
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Name: "Rock"
Sign: Aquarious
Trouble: My wife and daughter are Richard Simmons fans.
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My Advice:
Calmly explain to them that "Sweating to the Oldies" has been proven to induce
spontaneous incestuous lesbianism.
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February 14, 1998
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Name: "Roger"
Sign: Pisces
Trouble: My friend thinks I'm doing cocaine behind his back, without sharing.
It's endangering our friendship.
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My Advice:
Nothing says reconciliation like an old-fashioned peace offering. In this case, a nose
candy-coated, bloody sinus blockage should suffice.
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February 9, 1998
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Name: "Roz"
Sign: Pisces
Trouble: The seat of my office chair is too hard.
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My Advice:
Eat. Eat alot. A thick layer of posterior cellulite will soon render your working
perch inoffensive.
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February 2, 1998
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Name: "Ernie"
Sign: Pisces
Trouble: I dream of having immoral relations with inanimate objects.
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My Advice:
Go with it. Relationships with real people always get bogged down with stuff like
emotions and feelings.
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SPRING & WINTER 1998
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