WINTER 2000   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 March 20, 2000 Name: "Sally" Sign: Leo Trouble: Well you see my problem is that I have this great boyfriend that I love to death but his parents suck! They will not let him date me no matter what. I'm not really sure why but they just won't. They seem to think that I'm this evil thing that is going to hurt him or something who knows. How do I get his parents to see that I'm not the bitch they think I am? My Advice: OHMIGOD! Boy-boy's 'rentals are being like totally spaz-tastic. You need to confront them right away. They'll go, "Can we help you?" And you'll go, "Yeah, you can stop thinking I'm the bitch you think I am! Because I'm not that bitch. And let me tell you something—-a bitch is a dog, and I am not a dog. A dog would never choose this eye liner or wear this outfit. And a dog would never be in heat in mid-March! So whatever already! March 13, 2000 Name: "Tyler" Sign: Pisces Trouble: I hate school, I hate stupid pretentious bitches resulting from moronic shows socially programming us people to talk about what happened the previous night on TV rather than something with meaning and relevance. I hate god, religion, America. I've got a big red, angry mohawk, and I'm often barred from cinemas or restaraunts because of my appearance. Please help. My Advice: When living in a cultural wasteland, it's only natural for intelligent people such as yourself to become cynical in the face of so much crass commercialism and rampant superficiality. You look around, and you can't help but wonder aloud, "Am I the only woman-hating virgin on earth who still listens to Anarchy in the UK?" To which some McDonalds security guard flippantly replies, "Probably." And so then you're all, "Bollocks to you, fascist!" March 6, 2000 Name: "Leanna"    Sign: Aries Trouble: I am having a difficult time motivating myself. Work seems to consume all my energy. I'm a customer service rep and talk on the phone all day. By the time I get home all I do is veg out in front of the TV. I have gained 40 pounds. I have a 10 year-old son and a boyfriend and I feel like I'm passing on negative energy to them. What type of medications can I do to help motivate myself in a positive direction? Please help. My Advice: Leanna - contrary to what the psycho-pharmacological elite might have you believe, you're hardly in need of medication. I mean, you're a customer service rep, right? Well Doctor, Heal Thyself! That's right! So the next time you're sprawled supine in the Lazyboy slurping down a five course meal of Friends & Home Improvement, and you start feeling those negative vibes, just be all, "How do I cope?" Then be all, "Please hold for the next available operator." February 28, 2000 Name: "Selena"    Sign: Capricorn Trouble: My husband accuses me of cheating (his form of cheating is even talking to men at work about anything in my life). I know he loves me but I am worried. My past husband was an alcoholic and into porno, and I'm scared this husband will be into porno too. He drinks and subscribe to Playboy. I am insecure and have low self esteem and want to change that but is hard. What can I do? My Advice: Normally, when advising patients on conjugal issues, I make it a policy to withhold judgement until hearing the perspectives of both husband and wife. In this case, however, I'm already convinced you've got damaged goods on your hands, girlfriend. So tell hubby to shape up or ship out, because, like, if he doesn't, there are plenty of other jealous lushes who would love to move in and jerk off in magazines all day. I mean, right? February 21, 2000 Name: "Geoff" Sign: Capricorn Trouble: I am a superintendent at a construction project. My problem is I can't get the guys to take deadlines seriously, or to get their sorry asses to do the work laid out for them. All these pieces of shit want to do is complain about having to work in the rain or the snow or not having asswipe paper or something. What can I do to motivate these losers? My Advice: Sounds to me like this is a situation desperately in need of a little positive reenforcement, Geoff. The fellas can do it—you just need to focus your energies on building some team spirit. And as any boss worth his salt will tell you, nothing inspires hard-working loyalty quite like manager-assigned affectionate nicknames—like "Panty-Waist," "Girly-Man," or good-old "Union Pussy-Boy." Go on and try some! February 13, 2000 Name: "Billy" Sign: Leo Trouble: My parents are anal retentive egotistical nazi faggots who want to control my life and live it for me because theirs sucked. Well I want to get through to them and tell them that they can kiss my ass and not live my life for me but I'm not sure how. Please help. My Advice: Well Billy, the first step in resolving conflicts such as this is for all parties to meet on neutral ground. I've found that Arby's® makes a wonderful Switzerland. There, over a succulent roast beef hero, you can explain to mom & pops that any further indiscretions will guarantee them a lengthy retirement in the cut-rate Mississippi nursing home of your choice. February 6, 2000 Name: "Courtney" Sign: Leo Trouble: My problem is that I have this terrible urge to pretend I'm in love with a guy and then when I'm finished f***ing him, I leave him out to dry on my homepage and write every single detail of why it is he's an ass. I'm a whore, and I can't help having two faces, especially when they are both so ugly! What can I do? My Advice: I'll tell you what you can do! Live it, sister! Why? Because while it may not seem like it right now, this little Cybertrash-Anaïs-Nin shtick of yours is something fantastically unique. Truth is, the whole world is chomping at the bit to revel in the sticky minutiae of your Geocities romances. So keep at it, and by this time next year, you'll have enough material (and STDs) to pen a Lifetime Original MovieTM ! January 30, 2000 Name: "Kria"     Sign: Virgo Trouble: I am 25 and what's bothering me is the fact that I dumped the guy I was with to later find out that I am pregnant. I do not want to be with him because he had turned out to be a loser and I am keeping the child but now (because I'm pregnant) I can't seem to find anyone. I feel like I will never find anyone. Can you give me some advice? My Advice: Well you know Kira, guys can be funny about dating the preggers gals. Fetching as you no doubt look with your newly pendulous breasts and your loose-fitting sweatpants, you should still expect men to avoid you like the plague for the duration of your pregnancy. That is unless you're willing to acquire an all-new wardrobe of ultra-constricting Victorian lace-up corsets! January 23, 2000 Name: "Brad" Sign: Aries Trouble: My problem is I can't get no satisfaction! There are these two totally hot chicks down the hall in my dorm, and I keep trying to get in their pants but they won't give it to me. I am starting to feel like a total loser. Is something wrong with me? What can I do? My Advice: Feel like a loser? Earth to Brad! You are a loser! I mean like duh already. The reason you're not getting anywhere with the hotties is because you're dorm trash! I mean, you're all like, "Wanna hang out in the lounge and play Monopoly and stuff?" And the hotties are all, "Uhhhhh, not likely. We're going to an all-night orgy - off-campus!" January 16, 2000 Name: "Jen"    Sign: Leo Trouble: I have been such a filthy minded slut lately. I have had a friendly online relationship with a guy for over 4 years, but now I'm getting super turned on talking to him. He is extremely attractive and all I can do is think about doing filthy naughty things to him. My problem is that I have a boyfriend - and he would be incredibly hurt if he knew. What should I do? My Advice: Jen - You must remember that it's extremely common for chatty Cathys such as yourself to entertain erotic thoughts about their online interlocutors. Just think of it as the harmless digital schoolgirl crush that it is. Your boyfriend doesn't ever have to know - just like you needn't be bogged down with an awareness of his compulsive bordello-hopping during your insipid nightly chatroom excursions. January 9, 2000 Name: "Mike"    Sign: Libra Trouble: My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship of about 300 miles and I plan on coming up over spring break. The problem is that her mom raided her room and found out everything. It's impossible to contact her now, and her mom's making her miserable. I really care for her, but I'm having trouble figuring out specifically what to do. Her mom totally hates me. What should I do? My Advice: When you say "found out everything," I naturally assume you're referring to amateur pornography and a major stash of LSD, right? So then what's the problem? I mean whatever already! Did her mom just get off the Mayflower or something?! You need to write her a letter and be all, "Listen, I already passed up an awesome spring break package deal to Tampa. So where the hell do you expect me go now??" January 2, 2000 Name: "Shirly"    Sign: Aquarius Trouble: I just started seeing this guy. He's really smart and funny and all that, and has really great skin EXCEPT on his forehead. I want to tell him that if he just trims his bangs he'd have perfect skin, but something is holding me back. Do you think this is a sign of a break-down in communication? Is he the right guy for me? My Advice: Yes, Shirly - this is the first communications challenge of your exciting new relationship. If you truly care about him, you must tell him. And don't worry, because he's bound to appreciate your honesty and kind-hearted selflessness. So the next time you see your beloved, gently suggest, "Hey Little Caesar. What say we trim back that whitehead shrub up there before I fucking vomit?!" December 27, 1999 Name: "Frank" Sign: Leo Trouble: I am a dark and mysterious person that seems to be intriguing to women, but I am never approached by any girls. I think this is because girls think that since I am so in my own world, that I will be put off by them. How do I mend the situation, without comprimising myself?    - Fascinating Frank My Advice: We girls certainly can be hard to figure out, can't we? Well don't get frustrated, Frankie! You just keep being your inimitable dark and mysterious self. You'll see - things will turn around. Because for every 15,000 ladies who look at you and think "Jeffrey Dahmer," there's one special gal out there who'll think "Charlie Manson." And then before you know it, you're sucking face with Squeaky Fromme! WINTER 2000   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!