WINTER 2001   Select a Season! Winter 2001 Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 February 26, 2001 Name: "Chevy"    Sign: Capricorn Trouble: My ex girlfriend says she hates me but she doesn't stop calling me and she likes to spend time with me. I still like her a lot but she won't take me back. It wasn't a bad break up and we both still like each other. I don't expect you to tell me what to do but I could use some advice on how to get her back. My Advice: Chevy, as the years pass by and you grow more experienced in the ways of love, you'll come to realize that most intimate relationships are but a wild, unpredictable dance - one in which we ladies always take the lead. So you see, while you may ache for the hot, sensual couplings of the lambada, girl-girl clearly prefers the breakin' fresh individuality of electric boogaloo. This is the way of things. Accept it. February 7, 2001 Name: "Frank"    Sign: Capricorn Trouble: I got a problem with girls, see I get to know them and I treat them like they want to be treated, in a round about way I'm saying I am the perfect gentleman to them and they just treat me like trash and dump me. What I'm asking is how do women want to be treated; like trash, such as many notables like Pam Anderson, or like a lady? My Advice: Seeing as how your name is Frank, I'm guessing it's okay to be frank with you, because you're probably pretty used to that. Anyways, yes Frank, like Pam, all ladies love to be treated like trash, especially by tall, lanky, tattoo-smothered garbage truck jockeys, who grab our corrugated aluminum handles and shake us with the Satanic fervor of a spazmo, has-been glam-metal drummer! January 14, 2001 Name: "Cathy" Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: Please help me Lori!!! My dream life is to find a rich older man to take me on shopping sprees and put me up in a nice penthouse in New York. I'm on chatlines all the time to find such a man but all they're interested in is 1 night stands. I want something longterm, but I don't know how to tell if a guy is seriously interested in such an arrangement. My Advice: Cathy - you're going about this all wrong! First off, everybody knows that you can't find a big city sugar-daddy by slumming around some loser-filled chat room! If you want to snare some big game, you need to hunt on the right turf. And that's why I want you to march right in to the nearest Morton's of Chicago and bellow, "Which Merrill Lynch alpha-gorilla wants to feed and clothe this brazen hussy 'till his Diners Club melts and dissolves?!" January 7, 2001 Name: "Warren" Sign: Aries Trouble: I moved up to New Hampshire from Florida to take a new job about 9 months ago. The bar scene up here is really mellow and it's hard to meet cool girls to date. I never used to have problems meeting girls in Florida, but it's just not as social up here. What do I have to do to find and meet a great girl here, Lori??? My Advice: Warren - what you're experiencing is the all-too-unfortunate socio-cultural chasm which still divides North and South - even 130 years after that nasty old Civil War. It's a darned shame, and if you ask me, it's long past time we put this nonsense to bed! What you need to do is grab hold of the very next New England girl-girl you see, squeeze her tight and inquire, "Hey Yankee, wanna hunk o' my chaw?" December 31, 2000 Name: "Nicci" Sign: Sagittarius Trouble: Every guy i talk to that i like thinks of me as a cute little sister type because I'm a kinda teeny person (5 foot tall 90lbs) and flirty type playful person. And they never wanna go out with me because they think of me as cute and adorable. How can I get out of this hell? What's even worse is I'm a goth punk rock chick. I don't even try to be this way. Please help Lori! My Advice: Don't despair, Nicci! Nine times out of ten, romantic droughts such as this pass within weeks, and you're soon left wondering, "What wickedness ever possessed me with such foolish, crippling melancholy? Of course the goth boys were bound to swoon over my vintage black velvet mourning shawl and ghostly alabaster cleavage, meaningfully tattooed with Wiccan fertility runes and Bauhaus lyrics, then scented delicately with fruit bat pheromone and menstrual blood!" December 24, 2000 Name: "Tabitha" Sign: Taurus Trouble: Alright I have been having some troubles with a guy who has turned into a playa!!!! & I mean big time!! I really liked him and I even dumped another guy I dated for 9 whole months for him!!! And now he won't even return my calls!!! According to everyone else he is talkin to some other girl!!! Even though we never even ended what we had goin on!!! What am I supposed to do??? My Advice: Faced with similar crises, many young women find it immensely difficult to maintain a healthy sense of well-being. You've been dealt a significant emotional blow by this young man, who in all likelihood doesn't even fully appreciate the effects of his profound callousness. It's for just this reason that you need to seek him out and confidently proclaim, "Dawg, why you be disrespectin' me 'n shit?! I ain't yo bitch fool!" And that's when you scratch out his fucking eyes, girlfriend! WINTER 2001   Select a Season! Autumn 2000 Summer 2000 Spring 2000 Winter 2000 Autumn 1999 Summer 1999 Spring 1999 Winter 1999 Autumn 1998 Summer 1998 Spring/Winter 1998 BACK TO TOP BACK TO TOP Need advice? Fill out my FORM!