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WINTER 1999
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March 15, 1999
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Name: "Laurin"
Sign: Aries
Trouble: I am 23, single, and seriously considering filing bankruptcy. I don't so much care about
the fact that my credit will be totally wrecked for 5 years, but I do care what my parents think,
and they do not want me to do this (mainly because my name will appear in the local newspaper).
What should I do?
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My Advice:
Don't give up, Laurin! Crawling out from under that mountain of debt isn't as hard as you
think! When I was 23, I too came close to suffering the crushing humiliation
of Chapter 11. Of course, that was before I discovered the fast-paced, exciting world of
the human fertility black market, where unfertilized human eggs can fetch upwards of $17,000
a pop! Go on, give it a try!
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March 8, 1999
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Name: "Elena"
Sign: Scorpio
Trouble: I got married on February 20, 1999 - and I think I already want to get a
divorce!!! My husband and I are living with his parents. It's awful - and there is no way
out of it!
Help!!! I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my entire life!
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My Advice:
Well, Elena - you have made the biggest mistake of your life. Fortunately, the road to
salvation is just a hop, skip and jump away - providing you follow my patented three point plan
for misguided conjugal escapism:
Leave Him
Sue Him
Don't Presume That Lori Cares!
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March 1, 1999
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Name: "Joe"
Sign: Libra
Trouble: I met a "straight" guy who said he would sleep with me if he were gay. We have
many of the same things is common - interests in art, home decor, and food among other things. So
what in the hell do you think my chances are with this guy? Will he ever get off the fence? I'm really
horny and dying for some.
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My Advice:
Joe, Joe, Joe! I mean like totally DUH already! You're so
in there already, girlfriend! Like, he may be talking about art, home decor, and food
like they're just concepts and stuff, but he's really thinking about Mapplethorpe prints,
dungeon equipment and edible hot lube. Why you two aren't condo shopping on Fire Island already I'll never know!
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February 21, 1999
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Name: "Jenny"
Sign: Libra
Trouble: Well my ex b/f and me are still kinda together but he doesn't want
to commit to me so even though we love each other and still have sex, we're not going
out. Should I discontinue all physical contact with him until he's ready to
commit or should I just have fun and not be too serious? (We always
practice safe sex.)
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My Advice:
If there's one thing that thousands of years of history has taught us, it's that human
males aren't overly fond of the concept of monogamy. The thought of having just
one mate makes men squeamish, which is why they resist commitment. So what to do?
Simple! Cut out the safe sex, get preggers, then threaten daddy-o with a juicy paternity
suit if he so much as thinks about splitting.
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February 15, 1999
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Name: "Mike"
Sign: Capricorn
Trouble: I'm a 19 year old guy who's still in High School.
Most of my friends have gone away to college in other cities. I've met some new friends, but
they are much more immature than my old friends. When I'm away from
them I feel lonely, but whenever I'm with them want to beat them senseless. What's your advice?
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My Advice:
Mike, as the oldest and automatically coolest member of your clique, it's
your duty to impart the profound wisdom and maturity of your nineteen years to the pimple-faced
teeny-boppers who are your only friends. Give your new compatriots a crash course in the ways of adulthood,
and start it off with a liquor-soaked orgy at the cheap motel of your choice!
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February 8, 1999
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Name: "Catherine"
Sign: Cancer
Trouble: My job, relationship, and finances have all been miserable lately. The only bright spot in
my life is my contempt for my neighbor, who lives like a queen on government handouts while I
work two jobs. I fantasize about her ruin and irritate her in everyway possible. How do I get through this
and not hurt her physically?
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My Advice:
Whoever said "Success is the best revenge" really knew what they were talking about. Don't
ever forget that. Keep at it, Catherine! Just think - in two years, when all your hard
work makes it possible for you to upgrade
your trailer to a double-wide, and your foodstamp trash neighbor is still slumming it in the single-wide, well
who'll be laughing then?!
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February 1, 1999
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Name: "Marc"
Sign: Leo
Trouble: I have been friends with a girl who works for me for over 3 years.
We have been intimate but never very physical. She has had a boyfriend since high school
but he isn't everything she wants. I love her now and she wants to be just friends for
now. It is hard for me. What should I do?
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My Advice:
Most advice columnists would tell you that it's not appropriate for you to
pursue a physical relationship with one of your employees. Most advice columnists are
wrong! To make love blossom though, you're going to need to spice up your office's
decor - and there's no better place to start than manditory
uniforms!
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January 25, 1999
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Name: "Chuck"
Sign: Sagittarius
Trouble: Lately I have had this unsurpassable loathing of everyone. There don't seem
to be any real reasons, I just
tend to hate people. Are my true borderline sociopathic desires rising to the surface or am I just
bitter about my lackluster life? PLEASE HELP!
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My Advice:
It's like I always say - "Recognize the problem, and you're halfway to a cure." Well Chuck,
you're halfway there already! Yes, you've accepted that you are bitter about your dry, lackluster life.
Fortunately, all that bitterness will melt away once you embrace the joy and excitement of
porcelyn collectibles!
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January 18, 1999
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Name: "Jacob"
Sign: Aquarius
Trouble: I live in the dorms at the college I'm going to, and I share my room with a roommate.
He's a very nice guy, except that on several weekends, I have returned to my room to find him having sex with
a different girl ON MY BED. I have asked him to stop, but I don't want to antagonize
because he's such a nice guy. What should I do?
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My Advice:
Yours is a common dilemma. Extremely nice people, like your roommate, often have trouble
discerning the boundaries between what is private and what is shared. Your best bet is to teach by example.
Call me crazy, but I'm guessing Roomy will think twice before using your bed again after he stumbles upon
you using his toothbrush as a pubic comb.
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January 11, 1999
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Name: "Tammi"
Sign: Sagittarius
Trouble: I am 21 years old and I've been seeing my boyfriend Bobby for 2
years. I love him with all my heart, but he is extremely sexist. He puts
me down and tells me what to do. For past two months, I have been reaching out to another man
"Patrick" who makes me feel like a queen. I like Patrick a lot, but I LOVE Bobby and I wish that
I didn't. What should I do?
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My Advice:
Forget about Patrick. Bobby is fixable. Like all sexist men, Bobby's behavior stems from
withdrawal from the smothering control of an overbearing mother. In his own way, he's asking you
to become that mother. So from now on, whenever you're in public together, do just as she would.
If he mouths off, slap his face. And never forget to scream "Stop
walking like a goddamned sissy, Bobby!"
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January 4, 1999
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Name: "Wally"
Sign: Pisces
Trouble: I recently got engaged, but I suddenly have several other women interested in me sexually.
I know there is still time to back out of the marriage if need be, but all I want is a slice of pie
on the side. Where were all these women when I was single?
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My Advice:
You mean you really don't know why you're more in demand now
than ever before?! I mean, duh! You're an engaged Pisces already! It's a known fact that
every engaged Pisces male on earth is a super-ultra slut magnet! This
will continue unabated until the day of your wedding. Party with it! It's Wilt Chamberlain time!
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December 27, 1998
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Name: "Jordan"
Sign: Pisces
Trouble: I don't know what is troubling me. I am happier than I have ever been,
but I feel uneasy. For instance, my best friend of nearly five years. It just
occurred to me that she is utterly ignorant and now all I can think about is kicking her
in the teeth. My instincts tell me that this feeling is unhealthy, but my conscience is clear.
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My Advice:
It sounds as if the feeble-minded compatriot you mention is one of very few hurdles sitting
between you and unsullied contentment. You must purge her from your life, but not by sinking
so low as to resort to messy (and potentially shoe-disfiguring) assault & battery. There
are much better routes, such as framing her for a gruesome murder.
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WINTER 1999
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